[20] Actions speak louder than words

So the 28th has passed…that day would have been the 1 year anniversary with Luis, had he not left me for a girl he works with…it was kind of a tough day. I kept remembering the promise Luis had made..which was that he would call me on that day to see how I was and stuff. He did call, but only to ask if I was still leaving the package I was working on for him…I told him there wasn’t a point because it would mean nothing to him and he would probably throw it out.

When it came down to it, I did end up dropping off the vital parts of the package; the hat he gave me my sophomore year (which is supposed to hold sentimental value to him), a letter about the story of origami cranes, and a paper star I made with my final wish on it. I wrote on the letter the story and told him the purpose of the package, and to open the star that was in there. The start had written on it “I wish we never met”.

Luis told me he wasn’t home so just drop it off at his apt. But the truth was obvious that he was home. First off, he was talking really loud and he kept saying his mom would wake up if I were to drop it off there and sh would get mad. Also, his cell phone never ever has service at his house and his phone never once cut out…

We  argued of course and as usual the entire relationship was blamed on me. He also told me he doesn’t love me anymore, and that he isn’t coming back to me ever and that any questions I ask don’t matter, regarding out relationship because hes with Jess now and not me. So he’s really fallen hard for her now. I told him he didn’t know the meaning of love, because if he truly loved me he wouldn’t be with anyone. He still doesn’t understand what that means…I told him his words contradict his actions and he said it doesn’t matter cuz i never believe him anyways.

Well…he’s always said to me “actions speak louder than words”…And his actions are screaming “You were just a toy and I never loved you.”…

[19] …

So a lot of things have been going on lately. I’ll make it short, and just get to today. Theres one entry about my Tsuki that will be in another update however, cuz she deserves her own little post.

Sometime last week or something, Luis had IMed me while I was in bed saying that there isn’t a point in me dating Devin cuz he’ll just hurt me, and he’s only saying this because he cares for me otherwise he’d just ignore it. So I got pissed. I’m tired of Luis trying to control me even after he’s broken up with him, making it seem like I can’t do a thing but he can do whatever and date whoever. So I messaged him on his phone and told him “If you really care, stay out of my life because my feelings for you have been dead for weeks now.” and he hasn’t spoken to me since.

Mike Adler (coolest kid ever and also the only one left from HS that considers Luis human) IMed me asking how Luis was cuz he can never get a hold of Luis. I told him everything that happened. He said he was sorry but told me that Luis is most likely using his new gf for rides and whatever else he may want, and that he’ll never change. Which I agree, and I also thing he is just using her because she isn’t very attractive…I mean look at who Luis has dated before. They’re really pretty girls. He’s a shallow sunuva bitch and he’s admitted it himself.

At one point during the week, Lauren and I went to Panera Bread. There, we saw the hottest guy…with an ugly name. But said hottie, works there and ooooooooomg. I couldn’t stop staring. Tall, dark almost black short spikey-like hair, hot ass and fantastic body…*ahem*…I didn’t talk to him…yet. We went again today and had Lauren’s friend who works there give him my number..cuz its obvious he knows i was looking. He was lookin my way too ^-^ unfortunately I think he has a gf…oh well. That wont stop me~ hehe

Lauren and I have had trouble deciding on Halloween Costumes~ but today we went to Party Warehouse. I would love to be a hot pirate, but I dont think its…I dunno. Sexy enough I guess. I have yet to decide…but Lauren got “Wizard Wanda” whicvh is like Harry Potter but skankafied. Such a hot costume~!  I still dont know what Im doing on said Holiday though…probably a party and hopefully with lots of eye candy that i can put in my little goodie bag…

We watched Americas Next Top Model today and Gossip Girl. I was soo happy when Heather wasnt sent home on ANTM. Shes gorgeous and I absolutely love her to bits! And Gossip Girl…ooomg! SUCH an awesome show, and SO many hot guys..you could just die…

So this is by far the worst post Ive ever done lol its so fricken girlie but ya’know what? I have been in a fantastic mood all day. Not once have I been brought down! I just woke up like this! That has never happened. I love today~ Ive actually been happy a lot lately…its so great XD life is fabulous, betch.

[18] New beginning

So…about 3 weeks ago, Luis broke up with me. I won’t go into it too much but he basically said I was too emotional…but the truth was…he just wanted to be with someone else. Least, thats what it all boils down to because he’s already dating someone else and its his coworker! but anyways…

Im doing great though. I’m going to college in Spring hopefully with Financial Aid…I’m looking for a second job and I made friends with Lauren! It turns out the only reason I hated her…was Luis and vice versa. But she’s a totally awesome friend and she’s very supportive and helpful and plain kick ass. Shes really helped me cope with the breakup and help me to realize that I need to be me again and I don’t need him and also that he’s a major tool lol With the help of my dearest friends and my Family I came to realize that…Luis does care for me I guess…but he isn’t in love with me, nor does he feel how I do for him. If he did in fact love me how he claims, he wouldn’t already be with someone else, and none of this would be happening. He was just using me in every which way. But its okay, because now I know better.

When he left me though I went through drastic changes. I stopped eating, I cut myself, I started smoking and drinking and even tried weed, I cried constantly, I was having nightmares and anxiety attacks even while I was at work…I was wasting away. In less than 3 weeks I went from 130lbs to 115lbs…My size 4 American Eagle pants, that were brand spanking new, no longer fit me. They’re too big and those are the smallest jeans I own. It came to the point where my Mother actually cried in front of me and was begging me to get over him. She said to me “I know it’s hard but you need to forget him. The heart breaks, Raquel, I know. But how do you think I would feel if I lost you? That would kill me. Look at yourself, you’re not in the right state of mine because of him and Im worried about your health. Look at how much weight you’ve lost…you’re dying in front of me.” and then that same day my best friend, Diego told me “Whats wrong with you? I want my friend back.” and thats when I realized this Luis bullshit needed to finally end. So I stopped crying. I stopped thinking about him and blocked any means of communication with him.

It will never change that I love Luis, of course not. But I know I can live without him, and that…I deserve better. So I’m okay. And all my memories of him are slowly being replaced with outings with my friends. I still get lonely, and I think of him sometimes but they’re never happy thoughts. So I’ve got nothing left of him. I’m basically already over him :/

But anyways! Today I went to J.Timothy’s with Bryan and Lauren. I was really intimidated though because the food there is quite expensive! There is like nothing under $8…and I’m super cheap so it was really hard to decide on food…but Bryan…oh dear Bryan told me “Just order something” which means he’s paying…I hate it. I feel terrible! I’m not his girlfriend, I’m just a friend. He shouldn’t be paying for me especially since we’ve only known each other for a few weeks…Even so I still couldn’t decide so Lauren basically did for me…The Monterey Ranch Chicken Sandwich, which was delicious despite the fact that it was a grilled chicken..which I don’t like. But still yummy! But I couldn’t eat it all..since I haven’t been eating much lately there is very little I can fit. After that we went bowling~ we all did relatively bad the first game. But the second game…I did ungodly well for myself…I broke 100 by the 7th frame and by the 10th, though I messed it up copletely I ended up getting a score of 122…my best ever. Lauren was upset because the game wasn’t going well for her…which was strange. She’s usually a fantastic bowler but today I guess Bryan’s unhappiness, along with my unnecessary comment, was making her bowl less spectacularly…but she made the 10th frame count! 2 Strikes She ended with a score of…112 I think…

I got home a little while ago. My mom asked me how it felt to be going out and living my life…

I told her it feels great.