Aries: Your feelings have been growing stronger, and today you’ll realize just how much you like someone. ..
Nooo!!! Don’t say that to me! Ugh… whats worse, is I think its right…
Yesterday kinda sucked. The night before, I had gone over Everett’s and played SSBB with Sean and Mike and this other guy who’s name I don’t remember at all. That night, Luis had called me around 9 something to hang out, but I was already doing something so unfortunately we couldn’t hang out so I told him that tomorrow (Saturday) we might be able to hang out then. He said he might be busy and whatever so I’m like okay.
So I get some Sushi for Sean and head over and I’m there until 2:34am and unfortunately Everett doesn’t show up because he’s working the overnighter shift at his job. When it gets late, Mike walks me all the way back to the parking garage because supposedly some girl got kidnapped from CCSU a couple days ago. I had no fricken idea O_o;
But anyways. Saturday, work was kinda slow and boring. I had put my extensions in and everyone loved it. Stacey said I cease to amaze her and that I’m really cute lol it was funny.
Johnny came in with his friend Asa and for that entire hour of work I didn’t really do anything but bother him and steal some of his food… and drink. I had a martini (I forgot which one… something Malibu) and Coke with Rum (and grenadine! 
). I dunno why I never get yelled at for anything I do…
I called Luis around 8:30 in hopes he’d hang out with me tonight because really, I had nothing to do and I didn’t want to sit at home and do nothing. Unfortunately for me, he was at work and couldn’t answer the phone. Mike and the others were going to Uconn, Lauren was probably busy and Stacey had plans with people I most likely wouldn’t have wanted to hang out with. So I got really bummed out and after that just got really sad.
After work I came home and Johnny messaged me, inviting me to a party in Wolcott. I didn’t really want to go all the way there just to drink and what not, and I know how Johnny gets when he’s drunk so I’ll definitely pass on that… after that I really had nothing to do! Literally, nothing but watch tv. Lauren was on, but she and I were in the same exact fucking mood. We didn’t know what was bugging us or why, we had retarded thoughts in our heads and eventually we both got aggravated (sorta) at the fact that we felt this way. I decided to just sit at home and relax and watch tv and hopefully get motivated to do something productive. Lauren had gone out for a drive. I was going to offer to go with her, but I figured she wanted to be alone so I didn’t ask.
A little after Lauren had left, Luis called me to hang out. He said he was thinking about it, but that he was really tired. I told him that it’s okay, that he doesn’t have to bother himself with me if he’s really tired. He said okay and that he’d call me back if he decided he was going to come. Honestly, I didnt’ think he would call back, but half an hour later he did and 5 minutes after that he was at my house.
We sat at Tunxis and it was mostly just me talking and ranting. I felt the need to just get everything out because when I got home my Dad was bitching about my Mom again and this and that and I just… arg. So I told him about the situation (he knows most of it but it’s been developing since). I told him I might be moving next week and he still insisted I move in with him. I told him I didn’t have the money for that at all and he said it wouldn’t cost me anything to live with him, it would just require sexual favors in return.Now, obviously he was joking, and it was kinda funny. But in terms of paying, I’m not sure how much validity it had. I really don’t have the money and with my current schedule for classes, I can’t really get one yet. But I told him that I had been thinking about it a lot and that it actually doesn’t seem like a bad idea but at the same time I didn’t want to see who he brought home, and I didn’t want him seeing who I brought home. Thats when he told me I just flat out wouldn’t be able to bring anyone home because I have to be respectful of Matt and himself and that he personally doesn’t think he would like anyone I brought home because my particular friends seems to have a ‘loud’ personality and they would clash with his.
I thought that was pretty messed up, but at the same time even if I did move in, I don’t even know how the room thing would work out since there’s only 2 bedrooms and I don’t want to be sleeping in the living room. Not only that but where would all my stuff go? Stupid. Eventually during the night he had offered me to sleep over and he said flat out “I’m not gonna lie we might end up sleeping together.” now, don’t think of this as him just using me for a good time. The fact of the matter is, for SOME reason, things like that have just kinda happened between us in the past. We used to be so attracted to each other that whenever we were alone, that was the end of it and we’d be making out and whatever. I found it funny but it was the truth. And then I thought back to the moving in thing and I asked him “How the hell are we going to live together then?” and he said we’d probably end up sleeping together every night. I laughed at how stupid that was. If we were going to live together, sleep together and have feelings for each other, why not just fucking date, you know? But I didn’t say that and I sorted to just saying “That’s a no-no.”
But anyways. Before THAT happened, we talked about Everett and him and I told him I was having conflicting emotions because of a particular part of a conversation that Lauren and I had. That because of what lauren and I had discussed, that it got me thinking and I started getting confused again about Luis. But I told him that I know he’s just as confused as I am, so asking him for answers is going to be pointless so I wouldn’t bother. He cheered at this and ot really happy and said he was proud of me for finally understanding and he then said that I probably always knew and understood but just didn’t want to. And it’s true. At that point in our situation, I didn’t believe he was confused and this and that. You guys know. You were there. 
Then I told him about Everett and he said I should talk to him and stuff… but I dunno. I think that ship has sailed. Luis doesn’t want me sleeping with Everett, for various reasons. And I told him “I’m not going to sleep with Everett again… if I have any respect for myself, I won’t.” and he cheered again. Really, I have strong feelings for Everett but it’s more one sided than anything I’m sure. If I were to sleep with him again, I’d just seem even more pathetic and I’d be hurting myself. We can’t have that happening~
So after this he said he was really tired and was going to go home and he asked me if I wanted to sleep over (this is where the other paragraph above comes in). I told him I didn’t care really and that it was up to him but that we weren’t going to sleep together because 1. We aren’t dating, 2. We just SHOULDN’T 3. He’s tired 4. He has no condoms and 5. He’s sick and has to be up early. He said we’d buy condoms just in case and whatever and we did end up buying condoms. Or rather, I purchased them and he paid. But whatever, thats irrelevant.
We got to his house and as usual whenever he steps into his room he’s coughing like mad crazy. It’s not that his room is filthy or anything (because lets not kid ourselves, it is but that’s never been an issue before). It’s just that he’s sick and he lives on the 4th floor and he has to walk allll the way up the stairs. I feel kinda bad every time :/ I wish he’d get better.
So I helped him change and stuff and then we got ready for bed. We kissed for a bit and cuddled and he was playful and joked around with me. It was really cute… and he asked about Everett again. I don’t remember what he said, but it wasn’t a long conversation… like I’ve said before, once Luis lays down, he’s out for the count. He was moaning in his sleep again and I felt even worse. I wasn’t sure if he was having a bad dream or a good one and there was nothing I could do about it so I just pet him instead.
This morning was even cuter. He cuddled me like crazy and I enjoyed every minute of it. When he finally fully woke up he just laid there next to me just looking at me. Eventually I felt awkward (I don’t like being stared at >_<) and asked why he was looking at me and said “You don’t have to look back, you cunt.” and I started laughing and he put me in a mini head lock and pulled me closer asking me why I was laughing in an aggressive playful way.
He said he didn’t want to get out of bed because he was exhausted… but really, I think he didn’t want to get out of bed because he didn’t want that moment to end. I know I didn’t, and it was one of those awesome rare times we have together. Although neither one of us wanted to, we got out of bed and he took me home.
He was going to a tournament in Stratford so I let him borrow my Naruto playing mat. He held my hand and said to have a good day and stay happy and to talk to Everett because I should tell him how I feel. I yelled at him and told him he was making it seem like he wasn’t going to see me again. He said I was a stupid girl… I told him good luck in the tourney and he said “I love you.” I didn’t know what to say to that, I wasn’t even sure that I heard it right the first time. I kinda froze, even. I didn’t say it back though. At the time, I really didn’t even know how. But I recalled a moment last night before I fell asleep that I had said in my mind “I love you” to him but I hadn’t said it out loud. I wanted to say Good night and what not but then that last part would have come out and it could have been disastrous. I don’t know why I wanted to say it. I was questioning myself all night about it. But then I started thinking about Everett. And then I almost cried so I said fuck it and went to bed.
But yeah… I’m home now and I’m kinda sleepy, but more than anything I’m hungry. I might go have some tricks. And I want to be productive today! It’s going to be pretty outside… I should clean my car. Later on today I’m supposed to go back to Fuji’s and help Stacey organize the bar and drink and what not. We also get paid tonight~ <3
Rawr.
I remember a conversation I had with Lauren the other day at Starbucks and unfortunately it made me think: When Luis and I see each other, it starts out pretty good and we talk just fine. In the past, I’m usually really defensive and bitchy to him and show that I don’t feel comfortable being around him and that’s because at that time I was still very emotional about our ’situation’. As our conversation progresses, we always have some sort of argument where one of us ends up really upset and crying. After that is delt with, although our arguments never really have a conclusion, our conversation steers back to good things and we talk just fine.
Lauren experiences the same thing and she said “Because that hapens, I feel like we’re really meant to be.” and it got me thinking… unfortunately for me. If you can start off with a good conversation, and it gets rocky in the middle and then ends up good again… you two must have some sort of connection and understanding… and I HATE that. Because now it’s like… ‘Hey who knows, maybe he will come back.’ but I can’t be thinking that because then I’ll be in the same situation as before! Honestly, I have no idea how I feel about Luis. It made me happy that we actually kind of got along the other night, and I’ve said before that I wish we could be friends and maybe now we can be. But at the same time, there’s so much history, so much bullshit, that it’s like… I can’t possibly just let all of that go. Granted, I’ve matured a lot, and I don’t cry randomly now and I don’t get super depressed or anything. I’m okay! But there are just some things you can’t forget.
I have thought about Luis asking me out though and what my response would be. And I don’t haev an answer for myself! If he were to ask me, I have no idea what I would say… Like i said, we have so much history. We’ve known and cared for each other since my Sophomore year in High School. We spent an entire year together and despite the fights it as great because I had the person I knew I loved with all my heart. I had waited 3 years for him to come back to me then and when he finally called me to see me that one day over the summer… it was a dream come true… but our relationship failed really badly and he says its only because we’re both so stubborn… when it’s obviously so much more than that.
But all the fights, all the issues, the lying, the lost trust…. and so much more. And then how it all ended! You can’t just forget that… I told him that if he were to date anyone else after he told me he wouldn’t and didn’t want to, that I would not come back to him and he doesn’t seem to believe me still. I told him he’d fuck it up completely. And he DID mess up first. I knew he was dating her, I wasn’t stupid. He just lied to me about it for about 4 months and then I found out on my own. He also lied to me about sleeping with her and didn’t come clean about that till 5 months after. I know I slept with a number of people, but keep in mind, he had ruined everything before I even found the need to throw myself at any guy to feel some sort of false connection.
If Luis were to ask me out… the only way I think I could say yes… is if he actually tried to get me back. And I don’t mean by just asking me out, I mean he’d have to ‘win’ me back. I’m not running to him again… this time, instead of me working my ass off to get him to finally be with me and just me, he’s gonna have to do it. But the thing with that is… I know he’d never do that.
And then there’s Everett. I fucken wish he’d do the same. Like really, I cannot possibly explain how I feel about this kid. When it’s just me and him and we’re getting along and everything, I swear the world could be exploding or something ridiculous like that and I wouldn’t care because I’m with Everett. But he’ll never understand and I know he dosn’t like me as much as I feel for him and right now I think the only thing that’s keeping him from being with me is the fact that he’s not used to being in a relationship. He really is just so used to having that freedom to flirt and fuck whoever he wants and to just be with one person after being with many for so long, I imagine that’s kind of a hard habit to break. And of course, for us girls it’s hard to understand that. We’re girls. Any self respecting girl would be like ‘That’s not right. If he has ah eart he’ll only want to be with one person.” the fact of the matter, ladies, is that guys aren’t as quick to want a long ass fucking relationship with just one person. Not many guys are like that, anyways. And at such a young age (Everett is 22 and I’m 20) getting married and being with one person for the rest of your life isn’t really what’s on our mind, and shouldn’t be on our mind.
As great as I think Everett is, I’m not sure about what I should do. I don’t really want to wait and unfortunately I have that horrible sense of hope that he’ll decide one day soon that he’ll want to be with me and just me because Im a stupid girl. My brain and Heart are at war right now and I hate it. rawr…
When guys get their own Tags in blogs, it’s never a good thing.
Luis called me yesterday to see me~ he seemed to be in a really good mood and I was actually surprised he called me. I didn’t see the harm in it, so I decided to take him up on his offer and hang out for a bit.So, he came over and picked me up and he complimented me on my hair. I guess he likes it a lot, which is actually surprising. I figured he’d hate it.
The usual went down: he asked me how I was and what not. Eventually we just talked about random stuff and it was really casual and there wasn’t any tension between us. It was really nice. But then things got kind of serious, and when I say this, don’t think we made out or had sex or something ridiculous like that. He had asked me if I was still thinking of moving out and what not and I had told him that I had some places in mind… and then he offered me to move in with him! He said he’d rather have me living with him than to end up with someone else at their place, and he said that he missed me and would like it. I couldn’t believe he said that! He can’t be with me but he can live with me? In what dimension does that make sense? So I told him straight up, that wasn’t a good idea… because we can’t get along. He laughed and said we could get along, it’s just in a relationship we can’t because we’re both so stubborn and that’s literally the only issue with us.
I didn’t understand why all of a sudden the only issue was… the fact that we are both stubborn. It’s true though, we ARE both very stubborn. But months ago, our stubbornness wasn’t the only issue…. and now suddenly that’s the only thing keeping us apart? We can’t get along, and I don’t want to see the people he brings up to his room or the apartment nor do I want him seeing the people I bring up. That would be one of our big issues because although he says he wants me to be with someone and to be happy and date and whatever, the fact of the matter is… he really doesn’t want that because he doesn’t want me to forget him. For me, the biggest issue is NOT jealousy, its the fact that I lost him and can’t get him back. So if anything I guess it’s a sense of pride or something. I’m not entirely sure. I mean maybe I still have feelings for him somewhere in here, because as far as I know, you never stop liking someone you fell in love with no matter what.
We only hung out for about an hour or so and he drove me back home and told me to think about his offer and to think about the fact that he missed me and he said we’d hang out tomorrow because it’s his day off.
I agreed to hang out with him today and the offer and the fact that he missed me, I just put it in the back of my head. I didn’t see the point in thinking about it; it was silly. So I get home, talk to Lauren for a bit and within half an hour Luis calls me again and asks me if I still have no plans for tonight. I tell him I don’t and he’s like “Okay I’ll be over in 5 minutes.” I was confused and weirded out! He JUST saw me and all of a sudden he wants to see me again. I figured he was going to yell at me about something or like start crying about something, the fact that I’ve changed and whatever… because he had told me that although he likes how my hair is a lot, he doesn’t want me to change anything else…. he doesn’t want me wearing wrist bands, getting piercing, changing my clothes or even wearing contact lenses. I told him I wasn’t trying to change myself or anything for anybody. I just wanted to try something different that I’ve always liked… but whatever.So he came by again and we drove around and ended up in Terryville. He parked and we started talking. He got rather upset because he had asked me about Everett once again and got a little bit upset at the fact that Everett and I had in fact sept together numerous times. Then he got upset at the fact that I wouldn’t tell him if he was good in bed and if Everett had surpassed him in performance. I didn’t feel the need to tell him any of that really. It seemed irrelevant and it wouldn’t have changed anything at all. I brought up the fact that he always seems to asks me questions that somehow help his ego and I started listing all the questions and one of them had been “Do you love him more than me” which Luis hasn’t really asked in those specific words… and he started rebutting and said he would never ask me that because he doesn’t think it’s possible and would hope that it isn’t true because it would hurt him.
After a while I got a little upset and told him to move on from this particular conversation because there wasn’t any point in talking about it; no matter what I say, he’s going to say something negative about Everett and he wouldn’t understand. I started getting a little emotional and my eyes started tearing up and he asked me why that was happening and I told him it was nothing. He asked if I was crying over Everett and I quickly said no but it was obvious that I was. He asked me if Everett really meant that much to em and I told him Yes. He got upset and I tried to explain to him that it’s not just ONE month of being with Everett… its that I’ve liked him since the first day I met him and it’s been building up since then and that eventually I just didn’t care what he did, who he did or anything and in the end I just wanted to be with him. Luis was surprised at this but thankfully the conversation moved on sort of. That’s how the questions began actually.
From the first question (“Is he good in bed”) I had said to him “It doesn’t matter whether he is or isn’t good in bed or better than you in bed because you and I aren’t anything. If we were dating, then maybe I would understand but we’re not so why does it matter?” and he said “I have to be go out with you just to get an answer?” he paused for a second and then said “Would you even go out with me if I asked you now?” I laughed because this comes up so often it’s retarded. I told him “I’m not going to bother answering that because every time you ask me that I say the SAME thing! ‘I’m not going to answer that because you’re not going to do it.’” and then… he grabbed me and kissed me.I pushed him away and looked away kinda laughing and he took at me being happy about getting kissed. I told him I wasn’t happy about it, I just didn’t care or know how to react exactly. He asked why and I told him because the kiss didn’t mean anything. His smile faded a bit and he said “It’s because you already like someone else.” I didn’t really respond to that. I didn’t want to because the fact is, that it’s true. The kiss didn’t mean anything and it’s because I’m into someone else and because I know nothing will happen between me and Luis. From then, he had said he missed me again and I shrugged it off and said “Ok..? That’s not a big deal. You can miss a friend, a family member, a pet…” and he shook his head and said “You told me yourself we can never be friends, so obviously I miss you more than just as a friend and you know it.” and I told him “I really had no idea Luis. I’ve said a lot of things but that doesn’t always mean you agree with me. Despite me saying we can’t ever be friends, you still try really hard.” I didn’t really know how to react. To me, he’s still never coming back so whatever he says or does I don’t take it personally… I’ve begun to just shrug it off and ignore it. I still don’t know why he bothered to tell me this though.
After that, he asked me if I wanted to sleep over. I said sure, it was an easy question to answer. I didn’t mind sleeping over and spending time with him and honestly I knew he was going to ask me to. He usually always does. He said he had to clean his room first because it was a mess, and he asked me that if I came over, would I freak out over something I found because I always manage to assume the worst. Eventually I came to learn that Luis has had girls in his room. The thing with this is, I always knew, but the fact that he actually told me himself, makes it all the more real and bothersome.
He drove to his apartment and parked and then asked me if I wanted to go home. I told him that in a way I do because of the whole girl thing… but then at the same time I do want to stay over. He said he’d give me some time to think about it and within a couple minutes I had my answer: I’d stay over. He asked why and I told him “Because I have to get over this. I can’t keep having so much bitterness over something you’ve done, especially since I’ve done worse things.” he was proud of me for saying that and said it was really mature. Although it bugged the hell out of me a good portion of the night, I did eventually get passed it.
So we went to his room, changed and what not and he showed me a few drawings I had made for him a very long time ago that he found… and it turns out, thats one of the reasons why he started missing me. It was kind of embarrassing seeing those things and cute at the same time… and it also kinda hurt because when I drew those, is when I was happiest with Luis. But anyways.
We got into bed and whatever and he did kiss me, and for the first time I didn’t resist. It turned into a mini make-out session and after that he asked me why I did it and I reverted the question back at him and he said “I dunno.” and I smiled and said “well there you go, I dunno either.”Things got kinda frisky, obviously, but it didnt evolve to sex or anything. A lot of kissing though and I didn’t mind. I missed kissing him and he smelled like the old Luis that I loved so much so it was nice, but also not a big deal. Everything we did I just took it as a casual thing. He laughed and during it all he said “Just as friends right?” I didn’t answer because I figured if I did, I’d be his late night booty call for whenever he’s horny or something. After it all, we cuddled and he wanted to talk but knowing Luis, once he lays down, he’s out in a heartbeat.
I was particularly nice to him that night: I cuddled him and held him and kissed his shoulders and whatever. He moaned a lot in his sleep and it worried me because it wasnt like…the sensual moans, it was the type of moans you hear from someone who’s dreaming ant attempting to talk in their dream. I wanted to ask him a question to see if he’d respond but then I couldn’t think of anything that I wanted to know, and then I didn’t want to wake him up so then I just ignored it, pet him and went to sleep.This morning when he woke up he felt sick again. I felt bad and wished I could take care of him but there wasn’t much I could do. We stayed in bed for about an hour or more just talking and the majority of our conversation was about WoW! But in the middle of it all he had said to me “Knowing you, last will have been nothing.” and he was right and I asked why he said that. He said because every time something like that happens between us, he says the same thing “I’m a confused boy.” and he’s right. He goes back and forth between wanting to be with me and then not being able to be with me, but missing me a lot but knowing it’s not good and what not. I didn’t really answer again, what could I say anyways? Nothing would change, he’d continue to be confused. But I had said last night that he wasn’t going to come back and he said, “I told you I would, eventually.”
I told him it was awful of him to say that. But whatever. I’m going to hear that for the rest of my life from him. I wish he’d just admit that he’s not coming back but at the same time I don’t want to hear him say it. I’m content with where I am right now, where I know but I don’t really know.
“and it’s all a game
I know we’ll stay the same
but repetition ends in failure
and everytime, I see it in your eyes
when repetition ends, we’ll start over”
*Forgot to add a couple more things: That morning when we woke up, he told me he had dreamt of me all night. The scary thign is, that I had dreamt of him all night too. I didn’t really understand why though and I still don’t. I also don’t remember my dream at all.
After the dream thing, he said to me that if Everett really means that much to me, to just ignore everything he said to me last night… he said that he didn’t want to ruin something that much actually be a good thing for me and Everett seems like a good guy. I don’t know why he said any of this, because it doesn’t seem like he really meant it. I mean, granted it was nice of him to say that and finally realize that I deeply care for Everett. But he’s disliked Everett since I first mentioned him… and then just last night he’s telling me he misses me and stuff. I dunno. I don’t know what to think of it.
SoOo… I got my haircut! My experience at a salon for the first time, was fantastic. My stylist was this guy named Scott and he was just so cool and social! I positively loved it. He talked to me about all sorts of things, he was really open and stuff and happy and he was glad to work with my type of hair for a change.
When he started snipping here and there, I got a tiny bit nervous: I was cutting my hair into something totally different than what I’d ever done before!
The end result was pretty awesome. I myself like it very much, and I’ve got LOTS of ideas already as to what I can do. Right now, I just did the cutting. Later on I’m going to get some highlights… maybe dark red or a lighter brown. Tomorrow if my Mother has time, she’s going to get me some extensions with the clips so I can try out some of my ideas. Lauren was with me at the salon~ she was getting her haircut too and she looks SO hot! She basically did the same thing as me BUT since her hair is so long and she has so much hair, she left it long and layered the top like crazy and gave it lots of texture. She’s even hotter than ever before and I’m quote jealous of how she looks honestly but hey, I can only do so much with my hair What I love that she did afterwards, was she put some pink extensions in that she got from Hot Topic <3
After that we went to Fuji’s and of course my co-workers were talkin about my hair in chinese… whether they like it or not I don’t care~! They talk shit all the time anyways. After dinner we went to the Mall~! We needed to go shopping because our new hairstyles just don’t really go with anything that we already currently own… and Lauren found out that she is really into the Indie Style! So we went to Pac Sun and Hot Topic… I tried some Skinny’s from Pac Sun but I was in between sizes and unfortunately they only had odd number sizes… I wasn’t a 5, I wasn’t a 3 and of course, these aren’t designer jeans so they run differently (naturally). It was a little frustrating… I need some skinny’s! I need more jeans! lol I really only wear 3 pairs of Jeans because they fit just right… :/
Hot Topic has become one of our favorite stores now. The people there are so fun to talk to, as well. Lauren used to hate Hot Topic: it really wasn’t her style at all! For me though, I’ve always been a fan of Hot Topic but I was afraid to try things from there both because I didn’t think I could pull it off and I was afraid others might think I’m stupid… and that my Mom would totally hate it. Nowadays, whenever we go to Hot Topic we spend about an hour alone in there… it’s pretty surprising. Every time I go in, I buy a new set of buttons for my tote bag. By the time Im finished, it’s going to be covered in pins and you won’t be able to see Hello Kitty on it anymore! Today I got pins that said “Please feel free to shut up” “Mental Ninja” and “Why are you here? The stupid people left hours ago.” hehehe
I ended up buying 2 sets of gloves, a green and black checkered wrist band, hello kitty shoe laces in red, a pair of black capris… and a star head band The guy’s that were working there were kind of flirting with us, and I welcomed it. I was a little worried that with this hair style it would be hard to attract guys and stuff… but it seems to be doing fine so far. Plus, the Hot Topic guy that rung us up was really cute… :]
After that we went to For Love and I bought… more headbands and Lauren went to town and bought about 5 necklaces, a pair of earrings, and a bag lol. We were going to leave after that… but then Lauren decided I needed makeup and I knew that I was going to end up buying more stuff because Lauren is, unfortunately for me, an excellent sales woman =_= so I ended up buying 4 different shades of eye shadow from the Mac store (Makeup, not the computer store lol)… Green, blue, purple and a black print color… after that, I figured we were done but Lauren saw the pants we wanted at Express were on sale… BAD idea. We said to each other… that if our sizes were still there, that it was meant to be and we must buyt hem.
Our sizes were there. And we bought them. They were cargo pants~ mine were White and Lauren’s were brown~. THEN we decided no more buying lol Afterwards we went to EB Games as part of our tradition. We never buy anything, but we always go in just to look. After that we went to the car, got some gas and sang CrushCrushCrush together and I must say, we sound fucking awesome when we sing together.
So yeah~ dropped her off and then went home and showed my mom. She was on the phone and as stupid as I am, I mistook her reaction as she just didn’t like my new hairstyle… she was just distracted on the phone. She told me she did like it and she didn’t mind my new clothes at all. She said it was cute and that if she were as skinny as me that she would wear some of the stuff too. I’m glad she’s become more open minded when it comes to clothes now… if this was a couple years ago she’d go nuts.
That about covers it for today… my friend Jose (we take Drawing I together at Tunxis) wants to photograph me now lol he’s already come up with a few ideas, and I’ve seen some of his pictures… they’re pretty good so I might do it for fun ^-^
I misplaced my Appletini lotion that Lauren got me and it makes me sad…. really sad… 
I know I mentioned this yesterday. I’m actually going to go and clean up my room… hopefully I’ll find it. I already asked Mom if she had seen it and she hasn’t… so it MUST be in my room somewhere… I hope I didn’t really lose it somewhere else…
Ive been trying to update this every night but when I get down to it I just dont want to anymore. But this is something I really need to write about and just… vent.
All week I’ve been hanging out with Mike and Damon and partying and what not. I haven’t seen Everett much and when I do its only for an hour, max. It’s hard to deal with that but at the same time it makes it easy on me. Last night thought, he was with us the whole night. We talked and what not and I guess I was kinda flirty by how I talked to him and stuff.
But anyways. I drank the remaining Vodka by myself and, thankfully for once in a long ass time, I got a nice ass buzz and became KIND OF drunk. After that we played a silly game… Truth or Dare. I chose dare and off came the shirt. Somehow I was dared to make out with Chrissy AND Damon… and it was… I dont know. They’re good kissers though. After kissing Damon though I looked over at Everett and he got kind quiet. I felt like it bugged him that I did that but it didn’t take long for him to just act like it wasn’t a big deal…
Afterwards, we smoked up a bit and Kate came by <3 everybody loves Kate. She’s so awesome. But anyways… you shouldn’t mix pot and alcohol btu we do it all the time and we end up watching AnimMusic 2 which is INSANE when high. This one particular performance, I can NEVER handle… it contains mini balls bouncing and flying around and drums and… ugh. I just can’t handle it whenever I watch it. So during that song, I went tot he bathroom to chill for a bit and calm down. When I got back, Everett was gone and Kate was leaving. I went over tot he apartment and Everett said he was going to text me t come over.
I don’t know how anything happened afterwards, I just know that it happened… we ended up making out hardcore and eventually sex happened and anal and I… don’t know HOW it got that far, that fast. I’ve never made such a dumb decision while drunk and high but I’m beginning to think that since I was under those influences and I love Everett and I haven’t seen him in so long and spent time with him, that I gave into him and this all happened.
Obviously it was fantastic. He’s a great lover and the fact that I love him so much makes it even better for me. After that whole thing though we just kinda laid there and being the girly idiot that I am, I asked him if he read the long ass letter I wrote to him on facebook. He said he had read it and he bookmarked it and highlighted some things and read it multiple times. He also said it was well thought out and let him know a lot and he appreciates it. It meant a lot to me that he actually read t and even bookmarked it and everything. It’s like… he’s saying ‘I really do care about what you have to say.’
But… our conversation got kind of deep. I don’t entirely remember everything. But I do remember some key things… I had in fact spilled my guts and told him I loved him and I also remember telling him that I’m not going to be that psycho girlfriend or anything and that as odd as it seems, that yes I really do love him. He found it hard to believe and he even denied that I felt that way about him. I wasn’t too surprised. I’ve known Everett for about 7-8 months now and just that one month we spent together was enough for me to actually fall in love with him… everyone thinks its too short of time and its unbelievable to feel that strongly about someone so quick. But they just see that one month… the reality of it, is that it’s not just that ONE month… its all 7-8 months combined that created those feelings. He told me that when we first met he didn’t think I liked him at all and I told him that wasn’t true… I liked him since the very beginning but because of Lauren, I had to back off and I couldn’t show him my feelings… or anyone. I know he doesn’t want to be in a relationship and he told me. He’s not used to it… he does want one, but he’s not used to it and he’s kind of scared. He separated himself from me because he needed time to think and figure out what he wanted. I asked him if he liked me, but he kind of beat around the bush and avoided the question. He said I was very chill, sexy and attractive and smart and fun (and great in bed, haha) but he never really said yes or no to liking me still…
I also remember telling him to give me a chance and what not. I don’t remember his response or anything… but it’s probably for the better. I wish he would though…
This morning, Luis called me coughing and what not. Saying he’s sorry for not calling me yesterday but he’s really sick and it turns out he has the flu. I didn’t believe him cuz the last time he called me he sounded perfectly fine. It’s the second time he’s done this to me in a couple weeks and I’m just like “Whatever dude.” Seriously, it doesn’t bother me that he’s blowing me off or anything. I could care less, cuz really there isn’t any reason for us to see each other at all anyways and there isn’t anything for us to talk about: I don’t want to know anything about him because 1. I don’t care and 2. I don’t want to hear something that might bother me. What actually pisses me off, is the fact that he’s contacting me in the first place and asking to see me. I’ve told him time and time again that I can’t live with him in my life and I can’t handle speaking to him. I’ve asked him nicely to stop contacting me, I’ve said it in harsh tones sometimes too, I’ve even begged him to leave me alone! Yeah, I know I can just ignore him. I know I can block his phone from calling me. But if I’m begging him to leave me alone, obviously I don’t have that much willpower to completely ignore him! Not only that, I don’t ignore people generally… I’m too nice :/ and I TRIED to be nice to Luis too! I mean, I really feel that I can withstand talking to him and what not but the fact is… I don’t want to! I want nothing to do with him because I don’t trust him and myself. I don’t want feelings to develop again… so yeah :/
It was awkward talking to him this morning, especially since I was naked and next to Everett in his bed lolBut yeah… this morning, I remembered everything that went on last night and I just felt… so ashamed of myself. I mean, being with Everett meant a lot to me and I didn’t mind that we slept together. But what I did care about was how he felt about it. I don’t know why he slept with me, I dunno if he just did it simply because he was high and drunk, or if he did it because he’s attracted to me or that he simply was just horny! And of course, I can’t ask him because that would put him on the spot, and it’s an uncomfortable conversation and then I’d just be labeled the psycho chick… and of course I’m worried about everything we said to each other last night. You NEVER EVER tell a guy you’re in love with them ESPECIALLY when you’re not even dating! If you do, more often than not, it pushes them away. WAY away. And then you’re boned. That’s it for me and Everett heh. No chances no nothing. I’m lucky if he even talks to me or looks at me or even stays int he same room as me now.
No doubt he’ll probably avoid me now. But with all these feelings and thoughts surging through me, I left his apartment rally fast and didn’t even say anything to him. I felt bad, but at the same time I felt that he just wanted me to get out of there. I texted him later and told him to pretend that last night never happened. As awful as that sounds, it’s for the better. It could have negative outcomes if he bothers to remember it… he said he figured I’d want that because of HOW I left… I felt horrible…I still feel horrible. I’m so worried. I don’t want to lose Everett completely but that’s totally out of my control :/ argh… and since I was so goddamn loud last night, I’m apologizing to Sean (Everett’s roommate) and bringing him Sushi tonight lol
Anyways… Its 420 and I have class at 5 so I’m gonna go bullshit a drawing and hopefully…find something to eat.
Hehe “1 2 3″
Anyways! I’ve felt like drawing a lot for the passed few days but I never had any ideas… well, that’s not true. I had plenty of ideas, but none of them were really successful… in the midst of working on my ideas I gave up halfway and it just kinda fizzled into nothingness and unfinished work. However! Tonight I got sime inspiration…My mom bought some cute pastel colored gel pens that have 2 different colored inks intertwined together inside the pen. They were really pretty colors, very happy and… ‘mystical’ I guess is what you could describe it as. I started writing witht he pen and although these types of gel pens never write out perfectly, hell it was nice and got me in a nice mood and I started seeing all the colors in my head and eventually it created a picture. I didn’t draw my final drawing in the pens because I wanted smooth lines and I wanted it done in pencil in case I made a mistake.Anyways. The result was a really touching drawing of a couple. Just from the bust line up but nevertheless it’s a really nice picture and I’m very proud of it. The guy is totally hot… love his hair… and the girl is so pretty! I kind of want to make them special characters though… give them a name, background, personalities and what not… I’m really excited~ I’ll scan it later on today… I feel like drawing more but I’m pretty sure I won’t make anything else as nice tonight so I’m gonna put it away~
I find it odd that somebody specifically searched “equinoxx” with two X’s which is what I use for everything from email to in game names and evidently, band names in GH >_>;; I wonder who searched for that~
