[148] Once again…

Fuck my life. 

Fuck my ex.

And once again, Fuck my life.

[147] but at least I gave you something.

Yesterday was a good night. I drank half a 750 of Bacardi by myself and it was great. There isn’t much to update on it though, really. I ended up going home with Kyle again and it was nice. I like spending time with him and I actually like that he cuddles me and stuff. I just wish I didn’t get so hot all the time.

Our conversation got a little intense. Well, I guess it wasn’t really intense. It just gets me a little worried, since it was relatively serious. He told me that if I were to sleep with someone or something like… tomorrow or whatever (just an example… obviously) that he would be upset by it, and I told him I would understand but that I don’t agree with that… he seemed to understand, and be okay with the fact that I wouldn’t care too much if he were to do something along those lines, but at the same time I’m pretty sure it bugged him a bit. 

And then I as really stupid. I don’t really remember everything I said but I know I asked him if it bugged him that I slept with Everett (I dont even know why I would bring that up), and there was some other stupid shit I decided to say.. thankfully I don’t remember.

I’m really not concentrating on this entry at all, so it’s very… disorganized for how I’m used to writing. And what not. Yeah.

Uhm… Everett was acting weird.  could just tell, and the fact that last night he was kicking people out cuz he was going to bed, he had said Kyle and Ken could stay but Devon and I couldn’t… it was really weird. And then today mike told me that Everett had said to him that he feels awkward around me now.

I was so pissed at that and I felt really bad. What could I have possibly done to make Everett awkward around me? According to Kate, Everett tends to get jealous. Which is retarded, in my opinion. Everett had pretty much made it clear that he didn’t want a relationship of that kind with me, and he wasn’t really attracted to me anymore. He went on to do his own thing and sleep around, as usual, while I had to deal with the fact that I totally fell for this guy. hard.

So, I get over him, start doing my own thing… met someone else and suddenly he feels awkward around me. That’s so aggravating… figures when you don’t want them anymore, they want you.

However, since I only heard it from his roommate and close friend (Kate and Mike), I can’t just rely on that information alone… I have to actually talk to Everett about this and have him say it to me. The problem is… I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t. He didn’t even tell me he didn’t want to be with me or anything… he told everyone else he just wanted to be friends except for the one person that actually needed to hear it… Me! So like.. wtf.

I dunno. But that’s part of why today I’ve been so off. I was really depressed suddenly, I didn’t even want to drink. And what’s worse, is that everyone who was around me could tell that I wasn’t my usual self today.

Rawr. Tomorrow I have class and work and by god I really should get to class. I don’t want to fail every class… but by now thats probably inevitable. I don’t want to go to work but I’m really poor now… I was supposed to go to a wedding with Mike but that’s not happening because I’m going to go to work instead of calling out. Kyle wants to go to the movies with me afterwards (most likely to see Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantonamo {sp?} Bay). I really want to see that movie but I’ve never been huge on going to the theatre… and spending money… and sitting in front of a gigantic screen and stuff… but I would like to spend time with him when I’m not buzzed or drunk or what not.

I dunno what else to write… so here’s a song. Which is where this entry’s title comes from:

Cartel – If I Fail

[146] I dont have a spiffy title!!!!

So (there I go again, starting my entries with the word ’so’)… Im at Kyle’s house right now o_o;; attempting to update this blog. Its not going to well… its taken me like an hour to write this little bit alone…

But yeah. It’s awesome. I had a good night. Almost had another threesome with Devin… actually it would have been a… orgy I guess but Ken and Kyle weren’t too keen on the whole… 2 guys thing >_> dissapointing. but its cool.

But really… at this moment I’m so distracted that I cannot, for the life of me finish this goddamn entry. So I’m going to attempt this again tomorrow morning/afternoon…

Btw… Bacardi Big Apple… by far the worst thing you can drink. wanna know why? You cannot taste the alcohol content in it at all! It just taste like awesome green apples. And that is a recipe for disaster, dear readers. I did away with half a bottle of bacardi by myself within like.. an hour. Maybe even less. Thats no good. But it tasted fan-fucking-tastic. Don’t drink it.

toodles!

[145]Breakdown, rebound

So last night was a good night! lol Mike decided he wanted to get drunk all week because there are so many events and such to attend that involve drinking. So Chazz said we should get a beer ball (its like a mini keg and is actually circular…it’s so cute! lol).

So around 10ish we get together; Me Chazz and Mike and just hang out. Everett came by later and by then I was pretty buzzed. I had chugged at least 3-4 cups of beer before anyone else and a couple shots of Malibu and I hadn’t eaten all day either… I had done that on purpose because I had a shitty day yesterday. More on that later**

So we start hanging out and what not, play some more Brawl and a couple rounds of I Never. By the end of the night i was pretty good and buzzed and we did away with the beer ball.. it was mostly me drinking it anyways. Kyle texted me and said he still wanted to see me, and was hoping it would happen. So I told him I wouldn’t be able to drive anywhere because I was drinking and he said he didn’t mind picking me up and dropping me back off tomorrow… So he came down and hung out for a bit. We played quarters an what not and had a good time.

After that I left with him and fell asleep on the ride to his place~ he lives in Southington which is like 10 minutes away from Farmington so it wasn’t too bad. As soon as I got to his room I collapsed on the bed right away. I was so tired~ and I was gonna change into some shorts that I already had with me but he offered me to wear some of his clothes and I didn’t refuse. So I changed into a pair of his boxers or something and just laid down and we cuddled. But then we started kissing and it turned into an all out make out session with groping and everything and shirts coming off and stuff haha

It didn’t get farther than that though. I told him I wasn’t going to sleep with him (sex I mean) and he said he wasn’t planning on that happening because sleeping with a girl too fast usually ruins things. Which is kinda true. And then once he said that I just wanted him even more ._.;; but I just went to sleep after that and we cuddled like crazy. When we woke up today… we were so lazy and I had a hangover, which was very surprising to me… Kyle said that when he came to pick me up it already seemed like I had a lot to drink haha so I’m guessing I had a lot of beer… more than usual (Beer ball holds 55 beers.).

So I was really lethargic and I couldn’t really get up much because I’d get dizzy and such. So I laid around on the floor and just investigated everything. He seems to be really attracted to me and I noticed he’s very affectionate and a very physical person. He cuddled me a lot, really close too, and he’d spank me and what not which I didn’t mind. I liked that he pet me though… he would softly just start stroking my arm or thigh or something… we made out a lot too while watching Scrubs and stuff and it got heated again. I called him evil… which he is! You can’t just turn me on and then not do anything! lol Just kidding…

We didn’t really do much but just relax together~ unfortunately he had things to do today so around  4 he drove me back to Central, gave me a kiss and said he’d see me later~

**So here’s the shitty stuff that happened yesterday.

A friend of mine Steve Kane, died that morning. I think I posted a link to the article…

Then, Luis came over and bitched at me about hanging out with so many guys and sleeping with Everett and such. He said the same bull shit as usual… that he cares and wants me to make better choices and that he doesn’t know what to do anymore. He kept saying that what I do really pisses him off and he doesn’t understand how its alright with me that I do the things that I do. I told him I do it on purpose because I know he hates it and I’m trying to get him to dislike me so that it’s easier for me to hate and get over him, and I told him that I know he’s not coming back and he doesn’t want to be with me and that he just needs to admit it and say it to me. So I asked him to and I also said “I know you keep saying that you don’t want to be with anyone and right now you don’t know if you’re going to come back to me.” and he said something along the lines of “How do you know I’m not lying to you about that?” which means… it’s possible he knows what he wants but he just doesn’t want to tell me, for whatever reason. But if he’s not willing to tell me then that just means he doesn’t want to be with me. But it could mean that he does. But if he does, what the hell is stopping him? I dunno. I was pissed though.

He tried to hug me and what not and I just pushed him away and stuff. I hate that. If he has a gf, why the hell does he behave that way with me and wants me to sit on his lap and stuff? God.

And then I got into an argument with my Dad and I called him a jackass and that went to hell.

=_=; So yeah. That’s the shitty thing about yesterday. It was one thing after another and I decided ‘I need to drink’ so I didn’t eat and yeah. I reached my goal and spent time with an awesome guy.

And then tonight is Jonny’s birthday party and I’m gonna get shitty tonight too. :]

[144] 4/20

So yesterday was a beautiful day and I’m supposed to be getting ready for class =_= so… I’m gonna go do that and update this later haha

K so I’m back and I decided not to go to class because I’m too upset. I found out a friend of mine who I never really got a chance to hang out with much, died this morning. I don’t really wanna go into it but it’s been on the News and what not and this is the article about it.

But anyways, yesterday was nice and yes it was 4/20, and no I did not smoke at all. Mike had called me and said he was bored and wanted to do something. He was in Canton at the time so I figured since I had nothing to do either that I would join in him and hang out. So I wen to Canton and we walked around a bit and then we headed back to Torrington to his parents house. I met his Mom and she’s really cool~ very pretty too! Which makes sense since she used to be a model. SHe invited me to their party on Saturday, which i’m excited about because it’s basically like a college party… the hilarious part, is that there will be cops, firemen, judges and nurses there and they don’t care if I’m drinking underage.

I liked her a lot though and Mike said he was surprised as well because usually his mother doesn’t like anybody… she even hates Krista and Chrissy and they are from Torrington too O_o they’ve known Mike since High School!

She had us run some errands for her but it was cool cuz we got to ride the Mercedes. It was ridiculous… but I don’t wanna talk car.

I got ice cream at Cold Stone, and drove around with Mike and hung out at his house. Around 5 or 6ish, we headed back to New Britain and I showed Mike 50cents house lol he seemed to enjoy it quite a bit.

When we got to the apartment, Chrissy was home and so was Krista. We got kinda bored really fast and Mike and I decided that after such a nice day of having fun, it can’t end yet. Chrissy was hungry and so were Krista and Johnny so we decided to go to Friendly’s and somehow we talked about Mr. Hands… iuno.

After that, Matt came over to the apartment and so did Chazz. We played some Brawl and then we had some Jager Bombs! After Matt left, we just stayed up talking and talking and talking until like 5am o_o;; it was nice~ We didn’t smoke and we didn’t really drink much but we still had a lot of fun. :]

[143] Tessa needs an escape

I’m in a really bad mood suddenly and it’s bothering me. I don’t even know why Im upset but I’m sure its lingering somewhere in my subconscious and it’s somehow going to come out. In a dream, or while I’m drunk, it’s coming out and no matter what it’s not gonna be good.

Rawr.

Cowboy Beebop is great and all but Adult Swim really, really, really needs to stop airing it as often as it does. and I’m not sure if anyone notice but Julia is fucking useless.

[142]

ugh. Fuck my life.