[163] Thirsty Thursday… at a Bar!

I just got home… from Ryan’s apt. lol. Oh man, last night was nice. The day sucked, but the night was good, thank god.

I went to the mall yesterday in hopes of getting something nice to wear for tonight but to no avail. It failed miserably… I’ve come to learn that I need someone like Lauren to help me shop for clothes because she’s a fantastic saleswoman… she will persuade me into trying on things I never would have thought about. She’ll also get me to buy a dozen things and spend more money than I’d like to lol I miss her <3

While I was in the mall I bumped into Kate and we talked for a bit. She’s still with Justin and she doesn’t want to be… he’s become abusive and I’ve seen the bruises on her arms and stuff. He’s getting worse than Luis was with me… but I told her that Luis wants a roommate and suggested that Justin live with him. We both agreed it’s a bad idea to put those two together again, but if it keeps them away from us it’s worth it. So I got Justin’s number and despite that I was pissed at Luis I texted him the number. He called me shortly after thanking me for the number and ‘looking out for him’.

So I get home around 5:30 and I’m depressed as hell because I got nothing at the mall and I begin to realize that although I dress casual, I look mad young. It’s like I’m still in High School! not only because of how I dress, but I look young too. I hear it all the time! Stacey’s friends are around 18-23 and they all ask me how old I am and are surprised because I look 17… so I need clothes to compensate for how young I look.

Around 8:30 I went to Ryan’s apt and chilled there until like 9:30 or 10. He gave me a couple Budweisers and it sucks… cuz I used to like Bud a lot but it was hard drinking it last night… it’s probably cuz I’m so used to Keystone and other college beers… but Vinnie mentioned he wanted to get drunk before heading up tot he bar… and I felt the same way. So I went to my car, got my bacardi big apple and made myself a drink. It did the trick right quick especially since I hadnt really eaten.

So we walked to the bar and I got in real easy. They don’t card at the door so it was cool but since I look so young, Ryan told me to try not to get near the bar area itself lol it was open mic night and $1 a beer so we took a table and just chilled there and stuff. It was pretty cool. I like the atmosphere and Ryan’s friends are pretty cool.

It’s weird though. I hate Bristol still but I’m making a lot of new friends that reside in bristol. it kinda bugs me because I’m afraid I’ll run into people Luis is friends with/knows aka his gf and what not but I’m pretty sure that… my people wouldn’t be caught dead with her. Or she wouldn’t be caught dead with them. Iuno. Doesn’t matter.

So yeah. Had a few beers, a whiskey sour and rocked out wearing Vinnie’s aviators. I love how everyone treated me. I’m not sure if they were just being cool with me because I’m with Ryan but they were pretty awesome people. Stephanie (Pat’s gf — Pat is the one with the kool-aid man tattoo) is already calling Ryan ‘my boy’ lol at one point in the night we were outside smoking and some dudes offered to buy us drinks and she’s like ‘Our guys are inside’ and this and that. It was cool. She’s cool.

Ryan and I got a little closer and we talked a lot. It was nice~ uhm… I don’t know what time we went back to his place. It had to be at least passed midnight. We walked back and passed Luis’ apt and I saw his car outside. I was seconds from keying is car but thankfully Ryan was there. He made my night better so with him there I didn’t feel much bitterness towards anything.

So we got back to his place and there are two bowls being packed at the same time and I’m thinking “this is a recipe for disaster…” but I hit them both anyways. It was greaaat. I got so high, so fast it was retarded. Ryan’s looking to get another job so he couldn’t smoke up but he didn’t seem to mind that I did… least I hope. He was laughing at me though… I was being kind of silly. I had grabbed a gigantic leaf from a tree outside while we were walking back and tucked it into my pants and said I was Eve from Adam & Eve lol the leaf was huuuge and became a joke between all of us. 

By like 1:30am though I started getting really tired and stuff and actually rather nauseous so I asked Ryan if I could lay down in his room for a little bit. He came in after a while and offered to make me food and he laid down with me and everything. He’s a sweetheart… he made me a hot dog with like 4 different condiments on the side to dip it in; ketchup, hot sauce, ranch and mustard and you know what? All together they sound disgusting or weird but when you try it it’s fantastic. 

After that I laid down, he washed his plate (he’s surprisingly  very clean and neat), came back and cuddled me. We started talking again and he asked me what I thought of him. I don’t remember what I said but I remember reverting the question back to him and he wasn’t sure of what to tell me at first because he knew he liked me but he didn’t know why and he mulled it over a bit and pretty much what it boiled down to was that I’m ‘exotic’ to him lol He said he likes my hair and I’m cute and fun and stuff… hehe. It was surprising though cuz he… gave me some vague answers when I first asked cuz he really didn’t know what to say! I guess he got kinda shy… but he actually laid there with me and thought about it…

Oh yeah… I remember I told him his tattoos are a turn on. And he said he likes the way I look at him… ahhh making me blush! He’s so affectionate! He kissed my head and my shoulders and stuff, no intention of sleeping with me or anything, it was so sweet. He made me happy~ <3

He wants to hang out again on Saturday~ he said he might visit me at work too~~~~ he’s going to a wedding today so I can’t see him tonight but it’s fine. Don’t want too much of a good thing too soon although I kinda wanna see him a lot hehe

It’s made early and I have work at 5. I want to eat but I don’t need to. I need to lose weight. Hrm. I want eggs and sausage.

[162] Bad Habit

Luis came over twice yesterday. He was still telling me I needed to change. We talked a bout a lot of stuff and things got heated again and we argued and all that jazz.

At one point I told him that I don’t think he loves me, I think I’m just a habit for him that he can’t break free of. I asked him if I was his habit and he told me to define ‘habit’ and asked if you care about your habit… I told him No and he said he cares for me. I then replied with “Caring and Loving are completely different. You can ‘care’ for a friend but that doesnt mean you Love them in the same way.” and he said he does care and he does love e, it’s just hard to sometimes.

He still said he’s coming back to me… eventually.

I do believe we have just become a Habit for each other. I’m not sure that it’s still Love thats involved in this terrible game, but I know it needs to end, and it won’t because we’re both so used to the idea of.. ‘each other’

I’m still begging him to end this cycle but it doesn’t seem like he has any intention of doing so… and I’m not strong enough to do it. My Habit has become a part of me.

Stacey says I should tell Luis’ gf that he cheated on her with me a lot of times. I could do that, but I don’t see the point. I doubt she would believe me anyways. But it’s not like I haven’t thought about it…

I don’t know when I’ll see Luis again. I’m sure he’ll call me when he can’t get any from Jessica… because god knows that when I try to contact him he has no time for me or just doesn’t answer… but whatever.

This will end soon, I know it will. One way or another.

 

——

 

Tomorrow I’m going out with Ryan~ we’re meeting up around 7 after his practice and then sometime after, going to a bar. I hope I have a good day tomorrow though beforehand. I don’t want to be in a crumby mood when I’m with Ryan… <3

I wonder how things will turn out for me and Ryan… hrm.

 

[161] 3 day update

I have 3 days to update on… technically like 4 but one of them I didnt even do anything but whatever. Lets start off with Friday~!

Friday:

I was excited for Friday because I had to go to work… now, the fact that i had to work isn’t why, it’s because I was getting out of the house. It’s like I had cabin fever and just needed to get out and going to work was going to help that.

Stacey had called me before work and told me she wasn’t going in but that she was inviting me over to her place after I get off work because she’s having people over to drink and stuff and was making “Jungle Juice”.

So at work I was super happy because I was out and stuff and I was really nice to everyone and this one person gave me a $9 tip… which is kinda funny and ridiculous because I just do take out and stuff.

But anyways after work I went over to Stacey’s and it was kind of awkward at first because I didn’t know too many people there. I know maybe… 3 or 4 people but they were nice to me and stuff and drunk. Stacey then introduced me tot he Jungle Juice and refused to tell me what was in it until I had some… So I tried it and I knew it was trouble… because it tasted like regular Juice without any alcohol in it whatsoever… but then I came to learn that Jungle Juice contained 3 gallons of random fruit juices, a liter of Dubra (Vodka) half a pint of Grain alcohol, and a whole bottle of Bacardi 151… KILLER.

I hadn’t eaten, and Stacey and I were racing cups of Jungle Juice to see who finished the cup first and stuff. I did like more than 6 cup races and I wasn’t feeling anything and when you get like that, you should stop because you’re going to get hit by it later on and you’re gonna be fucked up… but no of course not I thought I was the champ… lol

And then some more people came… and this is when I met Ryan… he was carrying a 40oz bottle of beer and the first thing I notice is that he has tattoos all on his arms, he’s made tall, and fucking cute. We hit it off immediately and it was fantastic. We talked and flirted of course and by the end of my night we were making out.

I smoked like 2 cloves and had some more jungle juice and then it hit me! I don’t know when it happened, how it started, but I remember being blacked out and puking like crazy and Stacey telling me that my puke looked like the seaweed from sushi because the jungle juice was green. It was ridiculous! At some point in the night I, apparently, puked in my own eye. And Ryan saw htis! Apparently everyone saw it! But it was cool cuz they thought it was funny and amazing and yeah.. it is! I mean really, how the hell do you puke in your own eye? I dunno how I did it. But it’s great.

At one point I started bawling my ass off for some god awful reason that I still don’t know abut and I know it had something to do with Luis because one of Stacey’s friends, Mike, was taking care of me and stuff while I was crying and he was talking about his ex and being hurt and he knows how it feels and this and that…. and also because earlier on in the night Luis had called me… at 12:46am and I don’t remember what was said or anything but he hung up and I guess something that happened in that conversation upset me a lot and I cried about it.

I passed out later and woke up on Stacey’s bedroom floor at like 4:30am and I drove home without my shoes because I couldn’t find them in the dark. Then I slept in until 10:30 and around 11:30 I picked up my uncle, got my hair done, took a nap and went to work at 5~ Ryan came in with Kevin while I was working and gave me a hug and got my number and invited me to a bbq on Monday.

Saturday night I stayed in and by 11:30 I was asleep.

Sunday:

This day, I went to Torrington and hung out with Mike all day. We went to Friendly’s and then Olympia Sports and bought a frisbee, and then we checked out some puppies at some pet store, and headed back to his house. He taught me how to play Ultimate Frisbee and stuff, and we had a couple screwdrivers and then I called Kyle and invited him up.

Mike’s brother came over and brought his newest puppy, Monster. She’s a 3 month old Chihuahua! And she’s adorable. So I played with her and then we went inside and, unfortunately, watched Resident Evil 1 + 2… which sucked because, as you know, I’m deathly afraid of zombies. But by the end of the second movie I was alright because Zombies werent too much of a huge thing in it.

Kyle came and played with Monster and once we finished Resident Evil 2, we went to Dos Amigos… the Bar. I got in just fine and sat at the bar with them and they ordered some drinks. Before we went to Dos, however, we had some vodka and bacardi drinks and I took shot after shot of different flavors of Bacardi that Kyle had brought and I had a few shots of vodka and then a couple mized drinks and stuff. So I was nicely buzzed by the time we got to the bar… and then at the bar I had some Long Island is Tea, some Gin and tonic… and a bit of bud light. 

Mike left me and Kyle by ourselves and he mingled and stuff and Kyle and I pretty much got cozy with each other… we talked a lot and got all of our thoughts out and fixed everything and… we got close again and I decided… there isn’t any point in getting upset about him being with my friends… he’s older than I am so he can do a lot more than I can with them. So we made out a lot and stuff and everything was good between us.

We went back to Mike’s house and drank some more and jumped on the trampoline for like half an hour or so. Mike or Kyle accidentally bounced on my right hand and messed up my thumb but it’s fine… that thumb has been messed up ever since Luis fucked it up. So it wasn’t a big deal and I didn’t care, besides it was an accident.

We wanted to get in the hot tub but Mike’s mom put chlorine in it and said we had to wait 24 hours which was fine. Kate came by soon after and took some shots with me and hung out and then around… 4am we went to a diner and had some food… by the time we got back the sun was rising and we decided to go to bed. Kyle and I slept together downstairs… we started making out and doing some heavy petting but it didn’t go much farther than thought… although we wanted it to… I remember while i was sleeping the blanket came off me and he wrapped me back up in it… it was so sweet and cute… hehe.

Monday:

Kyle and I woke up around 1 in the afternoon and relaxed upstairs. Around 2-2:30 we left Mike’s house so we could go home and shower and stuff and come back for the bbq/party his Mother was having for Memorial Day.

This was the day I was supposed to go to Ryan’s bbq and I figured I would go to both. What would the harm be? So around 5ish I started getting ready. IN between all of this, Luis just shows up out of nowhere.

So he comes inside and I’m in a bathing suit because I wanted to try some on because when I go to Mike’s, we’re going in the hot tub later on in the night… and I didn’t know Luis was coming over so it’s not like it was on purpose. So when he gets in, I change and stuff and the only shirt in my room is my Graffiti Party one.. so I throw it on and some pants and sit by my computer. Luis isn’t talking… just sitting there saying “Well, i’m here.” and I keep asking him what he wants me to do because I dont know what to talk about and why he keeps saying that… after a while I asked him why he wasn’t moving to Bridgeport anymore and he snapped back and said “You want me to?” I was a little upset that he was so rude but I just said nevermind and kept my mouth shut after that… if he’s going to go nuts for that one question, what else would he snap at ya know?

So I sit on the bed and he’s at the end of it and he looks at me and says “Why won’t you change?” I didn’t know what he meant at first… I thought he meant my clothes but it didn’t make sense because I already had changed… so I asked and he said that I need to change and I asked to clarify and he said my lifestyle… I still didn’t understand really. I could have been a smart ass and said that my lifestyle affects nobody but me and is my business and not his but I didn’t say anything and asked why and what I needed to change… he said he didn’t know where to start and asked me to help him… I was a little upset but calm and I actually didn’t really care about what he was saying…. and why so I told him there was nothing I needed to change.

once I said that, he said “Okay I’ll talk to you later.” got up, and left. I didn’t stop him or say anything to him… why should I? He has no right to just show up at my house and tell me to change… so I texted him and told him that if he’s going to talk to me like that, to not even bother to talk to me in the first place.

I shrugged it off though… after ranting to Kyle, and finished getting ready, and then went to Ryan’s.

It was kind of strange… because Ryan lives like 2 buildings away from Luis’ apartment. I was really paranoid and afraid that I would run into Luis… so I texted him and asked him if he was home, he replied with a No and I then said Okay Good lol…

It was nice seeing Ryan and stuff. His friends are crazy and after a couple beers and stuff I loosened up and got acquainted with them all and just had fun and I actually like them. Stacey, unfortunately didnt show up though. She was too upset.

But Ryan and I flirted with each other a lot and he said he had the bbq so he and I could hang out lol it was cute… he would hug me a lot and kiss my forehead and stuff. It was cool and kinda funny because at one point when he was hugging me he looked in the mirror and got freaked out at how tall he was compared to me… because he’s 6′9”… but I don’t mind. He’s pretty cool regardless. He has a lot of tattoos too… which is actually… rather hot.

But anyways, by 11:30-12am everyone had left and it was just me and Ryan. I found out that he plays bass and I was insta-turned on… and I would tickle him and stuff and he’d try to tickle me and get frustrated because I’m not ticklish… it was great. He said he wants to hang out with me again soon to watch a movie or do whatever… and we started kissing and stuff and making out and he’s actually really gentle… it was strange. After that he started petting me and playing with my hair and kept telling me how much he liked it.. it was so nice. 

And hen we made out again… and I suggested we go to his room. So we did and… wow did things get heated. We made out, lots of heavy petting and dear god he knows how to use his tongue… he’s relentless too. But after that whole downstairs business was done he kissed me and said he didn’t feel comfortable sleeping with me because we just met. I told him I agreed and that I was fine with it and we kept kissing and making out afterwards and stuff… but because he respected me enough to not have sex with me right then and there… it just made me want him more and really drove me crazy… but it was good regardless… and thanks to him, I found out that my back is super sensitive… he kept kissing my shoulders and back and just running his hands down it and…man I melted.

I left around 2am because he had to get to sleep and I didnt want to just stay over… but I miss him hehe. I kinda like him and it’s nice. He’s different from other guys Ive met and he’s a gentleman… he’s a real nice guy. it seems I’m finally starting to meet the right guys.

Took long enough!

I didn’t go to Mike’s… it got late and it didn’t seem worth the trouble to drive all the way to torrington and just sit in the hot tub and stuff. It would have been better if he got back to me earlier and I had enjoyed the festivities beforehand… but yeh. It didn’t happen. but it was fine because I still had a good night with Ryan… hehe.

I had a good weekend and I’m happy. Even though Luis almost ruined it… but I had a good time… I wonder what I’ll do tomorrow…

[160] Just to be random as all hell

I suddenly want Lemonade and Jello.

 

That is all. For now.

[159] Praying dun get ya nowhere

It’s 7:42am and I have yet to sleep. I had a lot on my mind yesterday and it was pretty much just an emo-licious day for me.

For the passed week… or more, I have been having nightmares every. single. night. I don’t know why, and it’s starting to freak me out really because… someone or something important to me is dying in some way. Be it natural disasters, horrible accidents or some form of a zombie monster, someone I care for deeply dies or something like… one of my cats! And I’ve dreamt that 2 of my cats were going to die… and one of them already has since my nightmares have begun…

Paji was diagnosed with Leukemia recently. We had taken her to the vet because she seemed to be very sick and they tested her and yeah… leukemia… and pneumonia! Fan-fucking-tastic. She was on medicine for a while but it wasn’t doing anything… she wouldn’t eat, she wouldn’t get up anywhere and when you called to her or pet her… she wouldn’t purr and she meow… which is strange in itself because she has always been one of the most vocal cats we have ever seen… eventually she began throwing up and she just stopped eating all together… so yesterday morning… Mom decided to put her to sleep and soon after she was buried in the back yard with the rest of her family…

I found this out right when I woke up. I was angry at first because the night before I had pretty much begged my Mom to give Paji more time before making that decision… but she didn’t want her to suffer. All day I was just trying my best to hold back all of the emotions that wanted to flow out because of Paji being put to sleep. I remember asking Mom “Why have we lost so many cats…?” she said that when we got the kittens (Nexi, Oliver, Tsuki, Paji and Sapphire) that they were all infected with Leukemia already and that it was only a mater of time… and as she explained that to me all I could think about was everything that had been going wrong for the both of us… 2008 began horribly for us and it has yet to get any better and we have both lost a lot of things and pretty much have both become severely depressed and have both gone tot he hospital because of all of this stress and depression… and I thought to myself “…Does god hate us?” I mean really… this much crap… when will it end?

But I know there are tons of other people going through worse. But for me, right now… for Us, this is bad enough.

Then there was Luis. Man, when will THAT end? I have no idea. I’m trying to make it end… again. Whenever I try to contact him in some way… he never gets back to me. It drives me crazy because… if he texts me or calls, I always answer… always… no matter what. But even when he’s free he can’t respond? And what about when I really need him? When I need someone to be there for me and I feel the only person I can turn to is him… he promised he’d be there for me all the time… but he has yet to pull through. Why do I rely on someone like that? Why do I care? Why does it still hurt me and why do I let it hurt me? I mean seriously, I’m smart enough to know this is bad for me, I’m well aware he doesn’t give a damn about me and he’s not coming back and he’s just taking advantage of my feelings for him and everything… so if I know all of this, if I believe all of this, why am I still here bending to his every will?

And he’s moving. To Bridgeport. He couldn’t get a roommate in time and I actually offered to be his roommate and he said he asked the landlord and it was too late because he already has other people lined up for the apartment and honestly I don’t believe Luis actually checked I think he just doesn’t want me to move in with him and if that were the case I wish he’d just say it and be upfront and honest with me… but we all know that has never, ever been his forte. And if he’s moving, I’m pretty sure that means communication between us will stop… he’s not going to drive all the way down here (45 minutes) just to see me and I’m damn sure he’s not going to call me because he doesn’t call me to just… “talk” or “catch up” he calls to ask me for something be it a ride or… sex… if he actually loves me why does he treat me like this? And even if he doesn’t love me why would he treat me like this? No mater which way you look at it, he shouldn’t be treating me like this… I just want this to end already and I don’t know how to do it and at the same time I don’t want it to because I still have that horrible, despicable sense of ‘hope’ that’s been killing me this entire time… god I hate him…

 

[158] Downside

The bad thing about having a Mac, is that not everything is compatible for it unfortunately. A lot of games and things I want to play, can’t be played on here… even on yahoo! I used to go on there to play some of the games, just because I was bored, and now I can’t because they’re all for Windows… even the ones that you play on the site itself and don’t have to download/install… how shitty is that?

Thankfully, WoW is compatible for Mac and I can play that just fine… but I found a new game that resembles my first MMORPG (Ragnarok Online). It’s called Trickster and it looks so adorable and just like Ragnarok only cuter! And I really, really, really want to play! But I cant… although I do have my Laptop which has Windows on it but that thing is such a piece of crap… and it looks old even though it’s only about 2-3 years old.

That’s an issue with laptops… they get outdated really fast. My Vaio was the best thing back when I first got it, but now… it’s utter crap. Not to mention the design flaws… the keyboard started falling apart from extensive use, which is ridiculous if you ask me. I bought a laptop to use regularly, and the keys start to malfunction all on their own? Shitty. I could just go and get it fixed though, and I could have the entire hard-drive wiped to get rid of anything that’s on there that I don’t need/want anymore (all the important things I saved on my external hard-drive *yay*). One issue though, that has always kept me from doing any of this, is the fact that Luis fucked around with my laptop when we first started hanging out and replaced Windows Media with Microsoft Office or something… it wasn’t a legal copy. So if I want to wipe it, that’s going to go with it too. And since it’s an illegal copy, I can’t get any legit windows updates or anything, which is also why there is so much spyware, trojans and viruses on my laptop.

I know there’s a way I can run Windows on my Mac… but honestly, I don’t really want to… it seems confusing and like a pain in the butt. So screw that.

I started drawing last night, it was around 3 or 4am. It camp out pretty spiffy and I wanna ink it and stuff but I can’t find my calligraphy pen… the good one anyways… hrm… So many ideas, it makes me happy. I’m still attempting to design a tattoo for myself and such… it’s a lot harder than I thought it would be =_= although I kinda like the Trifroce from Zelda… But I’m not sure if I would want all of the triforce inked… or just one.. all of the sides of the triforce stand for something: Top triangle is Power, bottom left is Wisdom and bottom right is Courage. Iuno.

Ooh… The Incredibles are on… I wanna watch the Chronicles of Narnia… the sequel. It’s already out, and I remember seeing the first one with Luis… but I doubt he’d go to the movies with me… argh. I’m gonna go draw =_=

[157] What am I thinking?!

There is actually quite a bit that I have to write about, but I’m just going to write about… what happened about an hour ago or so.

So I bitched Kyle out like mad crazy. He invited Mike to hang out tonight at an open bar and I’m like “Didn’t Kyle tell me he was going to back off and wouldn’t be around as often now that it’s basically summer?” so I got really pissed really fast because I already had a huge discussion about how I felt about him constantly being around and always bugging my friends about me, and to hang out, and invite him over and this and that and he said he understood and that he wouldn’t do it as often and yet… here he was doing it again.

He started being a douchebag though after I had told him to leave my friends be and go back to his own and said that because I just had a mini freak out, that he would come hang out with my friends more often just to spite me… I explained to him that there is always that guy (almost all of them actually, that have balls anyways) that will hook up with a girl and mess around and stuff and sorta be interested in her, but he doesn’t want her around all the goddamn time like she’s his girlfriend, and he doesn’t want her hanging out with his friends when he’s not around. I told him that I am just like that guy! So in other words: Just cuz I have fooled around with you, does not mean I want you involved in every aspect of my social life and that it’s a free pass into it. Go back to your own friends. You’ve been around mine every. single. night since I met you. It’s been about a month+ so I think… your time is up.

Aside from that, right around 9 when I was getting off work, Luis came in with Igor… my heart felt so weird and I was shocked that they both came in… they were getting takeout and I felt so awkward. I actually wanted to cry because he actually came to my work and I never wanted to see him at my work again… it brought back to many memories and then when I was Igor… it just showed me how much I really missed the old days of going to YGO tournaments and hanging out with him… we used to have so much fun teasing and beating each other up and since Luis left me, those days ended. I gave him a hug though but he probably felt kinda awkward giving it to me. Although he told me he liked my haircut… and when he was with Luis and I wasn’t around he told Luis I looked hot with my haircut hehe…

Luis was going to a YGO tournament in Rochester NY tomorrow actually and he invited me… but he was kidding… My heart fluttered and my eyes lit up when he first asked me to come though! I literally thought “Omg, he’s asking me to hang out with his friends! This means so much to me, maybe I’m finally apart of his life now?” but he quickly said they had no room in the car… and I got really depressed… I really wanted to go… I wanted to be involved again… I wanted to be with Luis and his friends again, just like the good ol’ days… but of course, what business do I have there? I’m nobody.

When I got off work finally, Luis gave me a hug and then left to his apt. with his friends. I didn’t want to see him go, I was hoping to spend time with him, not gonna lie. But at the same time I was still upset about the other night when I called him crying… he always says that no matter what, if I ever need him, he’ll be there for me. But every time I call him and need him he never shows any care, or he doesn’t answer his phone. After that (thursday night) I told myself that I was just going to give up on him… there was no point in continuously trying to seek any sort of sympathy or care from someone that was far too self-centered. But since then I’ve actually been wanting to offer to move in with him… he needs a roommate so he can stay at his apt. and in bristol… but he hasn’t found one, so he’ll have to move to Bridgeport with Igor for a little bit. I honestly don’t want him to go and at the same time I do. It would make it easier for me to get over him but then I’d miss him so much…

But would he still allow me to be his roommate? And would it really work out as well as I want it to? I mean he offered it to me a while back and said that if we were to move in together he would make it so that everything was okay between us, and we’d probably end up dating again sooner… but I’m still so scared. I don’t want him bringing home a girl, I don’t want to see him going on dates or anything. There would be a lot of things we would have to agree on and a lot of set rules… but if we could follow all of that and come to a mutual agreement I’m pretty sure we would be able to live together just fine, right? I mean if he isn’t lying, then we both do love each other still… so it would only make sense that it would work out under those conditions… but I dunno… how would I possibly afford it? I mean his rent is only about $300 something a month and utilities are included. Mom paid my Uncle’s rent (and everything else he spent money one) for about 2-3 years and that was $600… if she can help with my rent a bit, I could help Luis out… and I could get my own place finally… sorta… I dunno… what am I thinking?

Ugh, I suck…