[179] Please, continue to stab me in the heart. I love it so

So one of my biggest fears occurred yesterday… I invited Kyle over… and Luis showed up.

I can go on and on about what we talked about and how awkward it was. And that he left fine, after asking me to see Wall*E with him and possibly going to dinner some time. And how after Kyle left he somehow managed to know, and came back to my house and got pissed when he read that Kyle and I have slept together. And how he’s still saying he loves me and wants to be with me and will always love me. Yeah, I can go on and on about that.

But there’s no point. I’ve talked about that enough. I told him we wouldn’t work out because he’s fucked up far too much. That I can’t possibly forgive him for everything he’s done, and I’m not going to tell him everything he has done to me because in his mind he’s a prince who has done absolutely nothing wrong. I told him I couldn’t forgive or forget. That he’s far too selfish. And this was the first time I told him he was being entirely selfish. So I threw it in his face. Everything he ever said to me began with “I”: “I need space” “I need time” “i need to take care of myself” “I need to get away from you” “I dont want to be in a relationship” “I love you but I cant be with you” “If I feel its right then we can be together” “If I think it feels right then I’ll stay with you” “I don’t need to change but you do.” All of that was about him! Not once did he consider my feelings and finally last night I told him everything and he actually agreed and said I was right. I wonder if that will change anything!

But no, no no, that doesn’t top it. Last night he messaged Kyle. Last night Kyle called me after that and got super worried. Luis was a douche bag and decided to toy around with both Kyle and I and when Kyle called me Luis kept talking in the background. Simply because he was jealous. Oh fan-fucking-tastic.

Oh, and Luis finally stopped denying that he cheated on Jessica with me. Supposedly she knows but when I told her he denied the whoooole thing. And I was right, the day before she went on vacation he was with her. Of course. Of course. The day AFTER he asks me out and says he needs to take me back and loves me and really wants to be with me, he goes and chills with the girl he fucking left me for and is one of the major reasons why I refuse to be with him again. Oh yeah, that’s love.

So it’s about 4am and Im flipping out pissed off, crying and so upset that I dont know what to do anymore. Since 2 Ive been telling him to leave but he didnt. He starts falling asleep and I demand that he leaves because I’m not going to allow him to sleep over. But no, he can’t leave. He’ll crash. Again. So I don’t want to be responsible for him dying, and I give in after half an hour of telling him to leave and let him sleep.

I stay up aggravated, confused, upset and just all around frustrated and feeling every  negative emotion you can possibly feel and not knowing what to do. He wants to cuddle. He wants to kiss me. He wants me to turn around and face him as I sleep. And the entire night he slept FACING me and he never used to do that. He always put his back to me but tonight was different.

At 9am the alarm goes off and I kick him out. He asks for a hug. He asks to walk him out. My Dad is home. I know I’m never going to hear the end of it. But whatever, if I explain myself maybe he’ll understand. Luis doesn’t leave right away, my Mom’s cat escapes outside, Dad gets pissed and I’m sitting there bitching and telling him that I didn’t want Luis to stay over but I had to let him because he would have cashed (And he WOULD have crashed, trust me). But no, I’m just flip-flopping and going back on everything I said and Dad says Im with him again when that obviously isn’t the case.

Luis leaves and says he’ll come back. Dad is looking for the cat. I go inside and I’m pissed and just don’t know what to do. Kyle calls and I explain things to him and then he’s fine.

Mom calls not too long ago, around 1:30 or something, bitching me out saying that I owe her money for my cell phone bill because supposedly my bill is $120 which doesn’t make sense because I dont call anyone and my phone calls last no more than 10 minutes and I have unlimited texting but you know what, whatever cuz I never believe a word this bitch says anyways. I’m already upset. And her yelling at me and saying that I’m stuck up and disrespectful just throws me over the edge and I just don’t have the energy to fight it. I don’t want to argue. So I just hang up to keep myself from making things worse. But NO, she calls back and leaves a voice mail saying that I cant live like a princess anymore because she cant afford it and I have to get another Job because she’s not going to pay for all my expenses and that if I don’t pay the $120 that she’s going to disconnect my phone and I won’t have a phone and guess what, disconnecting my phone costs $200, fucking moron! Oh and not only that but she also threatened to get rid of the insurance on my car so I won’t have a car.

So uhm, lets see genius mother of mine, no car no cell phone no money and you want me to have two jobs? Are you going to take me to work when I need to? Or are you going to be too busy fucking our employee’s and buying yourself clothes that are too small because youre so goddamn fat now?!?!!?

I’m living like a fucking princess? I don’t even ask for anything and I don’t get anything. if I want something, I pay for it my fucking self with MY money from food, booze to clothes and jewelry and video games! I buy it all myself. My cell phone bill isn’t that big and insurance, well theres nothing I can do about that. Meanwhile, Mommy dearest buys a new outfit every single day, a new purse every week, and is constantly driving between farmington and hartford every single day and wasting gas, buying booze, going to “bingos” buying thousand dollar gifts for her lover and then comes home (if she wants to) and sleeps until noon, instead of running the damn business, and then starts the cycle again! not to mention the random dates she goes on like going to red lobster and new york and paying for various hotel rooms, and then paying for Marlene’s telephone or any other debts Marlene might have and also paying for Ides and Sylvia and my uncle Willie. She’s making all these expenses, almost $80k on my Dad’s credit cards and I’m the one fucking living like a princess?

GTFO bitch!

And that ladies and gentlemen, is why I am so livid that I am at the breaking point of doing something STUPID and retarded. I swear to god, that woman better not come home today and start talking to me because I WILL rip her a new one and I’m not holding back. She knows better than to piss me off when I have this much information on her that she wants nobody to know. You don’t fuck with me. Dad better not get on my ass either cuz I am in no mood.

Protected: [178] You’re right, it is funny.

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[177] Need more materials~

Im home~! Actually I have been since like 4. I just didn’t want to sit in my room or anything and I had no reason to be online.

I actually sat in the living room and tried to work with my sculpey clay but my nails keep getting in the way… I don’t want to cut them though. I had shown Kyle yesterday a little jack Skellington head I made out of the same clay. I should’ve taken a picture of it… it was like perfect. The other ones I made are kinda big so they don’t look as awesome. But yeah… I showed it to him and he loved it, however I gave it to Stacey. I am making him something though after we saw Wall*E he thought it would be cool if I could make one of clay.

It would be rather hard to do. I’m not that good when it comes to sculpting… but it wouldn’t hurt to try I suppose. I just don’t really know how to go about it. I wouldn’t know how to make the eyes… or his… goggles… or… telescopey-ness eyes or whatever you call them. The things he sees with! lol I’d need some sort of plastic or glass material… or I guess I can just leave it completely made out of clay and just paint the eyes but Im not sure if that would look nice enough… thats another thing though. Painting it would be a bitch… Id have to get the right color and paint on various layers to get the rusted/dirty spots on him to be decent… agh! Maybe this is too big of a project for me… but it would be one hell of an accomplishment!

 isnt he just adorable? Haha. I want to see the movie again <3 I might just do that …….. wait! I can make an EVE! EVE would be pretty easy to make… kinda…. although she has no neck or anything so how would I attach the head to the body… rawr! I’ll figure something out. There’s a lot i want to do but I need more sculpey clay and more paint… lots of paint… many colors. I also want to bake. Make brownies or something. But I don’t think my brownies could ever come out as good as Amanda’s… does she make those herself? Cuz they’re fantastic…

I dislike that it’s sunday. It makes it harder to find something to do. However, I can hang out with Kyle and his friends tonight. Or I can call up Stapleford and chill with him for a bit. I wonder if Stacey is free tonight maybe she wants to do something… I was supposed to go to Wild Side tattoo today with Kyle but they’re not open on Sundays, so we’re gonna go Tuesday cuz on Monday he has work and firehouse meetings until like 9 or 10. Yus.

Tomorrow I gotta call the Bristol police dept. to see if they finished the report for my car yet… I really hope they did. I want my car fixed =_=

Imma make me a smoothie! lol

[176] WALL*E!

I just got back from seeing Wall*E! And its fucking adorable I want one! Haha. Yeah. Went with Kyle. Was nice. Ran into Dano and Pat… awkward. Although it was nice ot see Dano.

At work today I was just in a bad mood. Today and yesterday were just bad days really. Friday I wasnt able to see Kyle and thise huge ordeal happened at Amanda’s with J+J (Jen + Joe) which is retarded and has me pretty pissed off for reasons I’ll explain in another entry. Or maybe even in this one, if I get aggravated enough.

Today started off horrible. I had an awful dream, then I woke up to my Mom getting pissed about her phone bill. And then I get a letter fromt he DMV telling me I have to attend a class so that my license won’t be suspended and then I also have to pay a $125 fine! I’m over it now but I was livid for a good 2 hours… but Dad is going to go with me to the class and help me pay for it… so whatevrz.

Stacey was in a bad mood at work cuz if Paul and it kind of rubbed off on me. Shes stressing far too much about her situation… but its not my problem/business. I just wish she’d quit her bitching and fix it.

The passed few days Ive been really happy. I’ve been spending a lot of time with Kyle and we talk often. Almost every night I’ve slept over his house and it’s given me a lot of comfort. Last night I didnt fall asleep until really late and I missed him. He was out with Lauren and his other friends celebrating her birthday cuz she just recently turned 21 and she got very sick and started puking so he had to help take care of her late last night and didnt get home until at least 4am.

This morning I had a weird dream. It involved Kyle, myself, Stacey, Lauren Jay and a few other people. It was night time and we had decided to go swimming at midnight. So we raced back to what I was told was mine and Kyle’s apartment… lol so we run back and I start feeling odd and I spit out a tooth… one fromt he back.. the molar I guess. I got scared and got rid of it but then it happened again. This time it was a lot more… almost the entire row of teeth on my right side along with the gums came lose. I spit it out and got so confused. There was no blood, no pain, nothing. Kyle had come into the room and disgustingly enough I shoved it back in my mouth and tried to stay away from him. Eventually he grabbed me because he was worried and I was evading him a lot, and he said “Let me help and protect you” and for some reason I stopped and let him help… I dunno why it struck me so much hearing that. But it did. It was weird.

So yeah. I’m at Kyle’s right now. Spendin the night once again.

Ryan (the giant) texted me today and told me to call him cuz he wanted to chill. It was strange to me and started bugging me a lot. He decides to chill with me a little late. I asked him if he missed me but I was kidding and he said yeah… Ill still hang out with him but simply as friends. Thats all I can do. And that bugs me too.

Tomorrow Kyle and I are going to Wild Side tattoo to set up an appointment and what not to get our tats done. I’m rather excited but scared as well… Tats are permanent. I’m hoping I dont regret mine.

Im still upset about the J+J thing. Jen had updated her facebook status and it said “irritated that my friends are trashing the one thing that makes me happy” first of fucking all we weren’t trashing him. We said that so many times, we made it perfectly clear. Stop being an emo baby and assume we were talking shit and saying bad things about him when really we were simply concerned and expressed our concern.

Im going to stop now before this turns into a full out rant.

[175] Playscape idea!

There is SOOOO much for me to bitch about. And theres a lot of good stuff to write about too! but I don’t have the time at the moment!

Its 4:30 and I have work at 5 and I havent even begun to get ready for work and I dont even know what to wear. But ideas came to mind:

Since school is out for many people I think we should find a playground, take pictures have fun and make videos. yes. Lets do it.

That is all.

[174] you love me, but you’re not IN love with me

Yesterday I had gotten home around 5 something from Kyle’s house. I talked to my Dad for along time outside, almost an hour. Just talking about my car, the accident, and my mom and all sorts of things. At one point, he said that the house might be mine sooner than we think because if he doesn’t get any better (he has cancer) he’ll only have about another year or two…

It took a lot not to start crying right thee. But I didnt, and I went inside and made him a pizza. I checked the calls from the house and it turns out Luis had called earlier that day at around 4:30. I was surprised but then Im like… well, what can I do? So I took a shower, Luis calls while Im in the shower. I get out, get dressed. He knocks on my window.

He wants to talk to me. First thing he asks is if I’m okay because he saw my car and apparently thought I was dead. So I get dressed, come outside and the entire time I have this stern look on my face cuz I’m surprised he’s here, it’s bugging me, and at the same time I’m happy he’s there because on some level he may care about me but at the same time I’m still like wtf you’re not supposed to be talking to me…

So I walk outside and he says right away “I miss you. Like a lot. I really miss you and I’ve been thinking about you non-stop for the passed like 3 days.” I told him there wasn’t anything I could do about that. Then he asks why I spoke to Jessica, and why I changed my number… and I told him cuz I needed to get rid of him and keep him out of my life.

He comes inside and what not and I’m sitting at the computer just doing my own thing and he keeps trying to get my attention and get me to the bed so we can talk. So once I’m finally sitting on the bed he says again that he misses me and stuff… I told him he doesn’t miss me, he just thinks that he does because I finally took action and pushed him out of my life and he doesn’t like that he is no longer in control.

Then I get a text message and he sees Kyle’s picture on my phone and thats when he starts to flip out and get really upset. He asks if I’m dating Kyle and if I’ve slept with him and says “I thought you didnt like him!” and al this stuff. So I tell him I do and that Kyle grew on me and I didn’t understand why he was getting upset because he’s always told me to find someone thats nice and would take care of me and once I finally do… he tells me not to be with him and to change my cell phones background and says “You never put me on your phone.” yeah well… you never liked to show people online that you were with me but when you were with Jessica, you didnt mind if the whole world knew…

But anyways. He then goes on to say that he’s wanted to be with me for a long time and that he loves me and misses me. He sets a proposal, which is to sort of be together but not really and see how it all works out. That if it feels right to him that we could continue being together. So basically, he wants to be what we were when we first started hanging out in summer 06′…

He literally asked me out and begged me to be with him again. He said “I need to take you back.”

This is what I wanted…. for the passed year this is what I wanted. I wanted him to come back and tell me that he wanted to be with me, that he loves me and misses me. I’ve been waiting for this… and now that I got it… I don’t think I can be with him. I’m not sure I love him. I’m not sure of what I want.

I asked him if he really loves me. He said yes. I asked him if he really doesnt want me to be with Kyle. He said yes. I asked him if he really missed me. He said yes. I asked him if he’s IN love with me… he said he hasn’t been in love with me since a few months after we “broke up” aka he left me. He told me that when he starts to get lonely or something, I’m the only girl he thinks about and no one else. He said Jessica was a rebound. But he’s no longer in love with me because he’s not allowed to be… because he wasn’t with me.

So how can you suddenly want to be with me, and say you love me and everything but not be in love with me? Simply because you’ve left me for 10 months and refused to be with the one person you knew loved you?

So I said that to him. he doesn’t want to be with me. He just doesn’t want me to be unavailable. And that was it. He gave up. At round 3am he left. He asked for a hug. He said goodbye/goodnight. He asked me to walk him out. I told him no… and I couldnt hug him. So I laid in bed, turned my back to him and he left.

As soon as my door closed I started crying. I was so confused. I finally got what I wanted. But I didnt accept it. I didnt really want it. And just like that, it was over. He’s not going to try again. Because he knows what I said was true… I’m sure he thought about it as I said it and realized… yeah… she’s right, I don’t want to be with her. And thats the end of it all.

He brought up Jessica. He quoted a conversation he had with her…:

Jessica: Don’t call her.

Luis: What? Why?

Jessica: She doesn’t want you to. She went as far as changing her number, blocking you, and telling me about it. She doesn’t want to talk to you.

Luis: Why not?

Jessica: Because she’s still in love with you… and you always hurt her.

 

…The End.

[174] So this was an accident

Yesterday was the first night I had been home in a couple of days and god was it a bad idea to come home. Once I arrived home my Dad was already drillin me about my Mom and bitching. She had left again and supposedly was not returning because it turns out that she really has been seeing someone, and this someone happens to be… one of our workers!

Now, I had known for a while that Mom had been seeing someone, but I figured it had already stopped once Dad had assumed earlier on this year… but apparently I was wrong. Both my Mother and Sister refused to tell me who this guy was because they knew I would get upset about it and voice my opinion and possibly even spill the secret on purpose.

So the entire day I was hearing about my Mom and finding out about the billions of lies she had told both Dad and I and I finally started to actually get upset about the whole situation. This entire time its just been my mother thinking of herself and making rash decisions. When you think about it, my Mother, although the company is in her name, doesn’t really work. She doesn’t really run the business… my Dad does. She hasn’t worked since like what… 98? And even then it’s been in retail! There isn’t any possible way she could make a decent income and live the way she has for the passed like 10 years. She can’t afford to live on her own and my Dad is 62! He’s retiring soon. And then what about me? I mean she doesn’t tell me the truth, she’s never home, and she only involves me when she wants to sneak around and make sure my Dad is home so he doesn’t know what she is doing. But no… my life isnt important enough to be included in the decisions she is making. Ya know, since I need to go to college still and obviously I need help with the money and also I have a lot of expenses such as car insurance and internet.

So Im like… what the fuck ever. Let her do what she wants, but whatever it is, I am NOT paying for it. So yeah. The entire day was filled with bullshit and I was about ready to kill someone. So I decided to just do something crafty/creative and concentrate on that instead of thinking of anything. So for a couple of hours I worked with my sculpey clay and made some stuff like hearts and a Jack Skellington head, baked ema nd painted them. I don’t have wires yet, nor do I have pictures of any of em, but I will soon. I’m simply practicing right now until I can get some wires because I want to make some cell phone charms and junk~ it’ll be nice.

I was thinking of Kyle the entire time. I was happy while I was with him and it seemed like all my problems went away or didn’t exist. While I was with him, I actually almost asked him out. That was… around Saturday night I believe. But I decided against it. I’m not sure how ready I am to be with him… that same night after we did our ‘thing’ we were cuddling and we dot his thing where we joke around and tell the other person they love you or really like you, just to tease and be stupid. So I told him the usual, “You looove me” thing and he goes… “You’re right. I do love you.” and I got the strangest feeling inside of me when he said that. I mean, I know it’s completely platonic but hearing it… and it being sincere and not just saying it to make me feel better… it’s nice. Even ifhe isn’t IN love with me.

He knew I was blushing so he teased me about it too and he said it again haha he’s so cute sometimes… I’m so stupid for trying to push him away…

But anyways! Around 8 Stacey called and invited me to Matt’s house. Around 9 I arrived there and Dan was there, so was Heather and some other people. Dan gave me a hug and I always forget how cute he is. SO I kinda flirted with him but it was harmless. I had fun and Stacey I believe, ended up hooking up with this guy that she thought was cute, named Nate. I put in a good word for her lol

After a while, I was buzzin and stuff and people were leavin so Dan and I went upstairs and just watched tv and talked in Matt’s room. We cuddled a bit and the entire time my [hone was being blown up with texts. Some from Stacey, Heather, Ryan the giant, and Kyle.

I found out from Ryan that he’s actually been seeing his ex again and still wants to chill but just as friends and I told him that I had wanted more and its upsetting. That I like him a lot… andhe told me that if I like him that much I’d be fine with being friends. And I can sort of see how that makes sense but at the same time it doesnt. And he kept saying he still really wants to hang out and I’m just like… whatever dude, I’ll leave it up to you. He told me not to be bitter but it’s kind of hard to when like… I avoided Kyle and anythign else with a penis because I wanted to hang out with just Ryan and get close to him. And I told him that too… but yeah… the ball is in his court now. He can do whatever he wants with it.

So that was rather upsetting. Haven’tt old anyone other than Kyle.

It was getting late and i was getting tired so I drove Dan home then started heading towards Kyle’s house so I could sleep over… and then it happened.

I was coming down rt 6 on Farmington Ave. down the hill by the Shaws… and a dude on a quad, which isn’t legal to drive on the streets by the way, runs a stop sign on my left and smashes right into my car. He goes flying, my car barely swerves and home boy is on the ground and the quad rolls and bounces away.

I sit there in my car and park it and literally just say “Duuuude…” that was it. Then I looked back and the guy is tryna get up. He walkes over to the sidewalk and there are people there asking the guy if he’s alright and then they ask me and they flag down a police car. I looke at the guy and he’s bleeding from the forehead and I’m liek “Yo… dude are you alright?” when clearly he isn’t! But he doesn’t even say anything he just… walks away then the cop comes and he RUNS away!

So I’m in shock still and I’m shaking and I’m like wow… I just hit a person. and I ask the lady that flagged down the cop “Am I gonna get in trouble for this?” and she assures me that I wont because her and her family saw the whole thing and the dude rammed into me and everything. They actually happened to know the guy too…

So I go back and look at my car… which was a bitch to get out of. My door wouldn’t open or anything. But yeah, I look at my car… and the front bumper looks hella busted. My mirror is completely gone, my left headlight is cracked and there is even a hole in the fender thingy itself. And THATS when I start crying. Not when I hit the dude, not when I saw him bleeding, but when I looked at my car and saw that it had a ginormous dent int he side by the door and the front bumper was pretty much decimated.

And all I could think was “Holy shit this is going to be a bitch to trade in now.”. So Im bauling my eyes out cuz my car is ugly now and I dont know how sucessful I’ll be in trading it in and then I had such a shitty day and then my day ended like THAT and when I dropped Dan off I didn’t know where to go so I used my GPS and it took me by Luis’ apt and when I realized it I saw his car and I got even more upset and then ugh… it was just awful!

So I talked tot he cops gave them my info and everything else and called Kyle. He came down and everything and hugged me and by then I was feeling better and joking around with everyone that was there and this little girl.. she was so cute. Had to be at least 11 or so. she was so nice and even wanted my number so we could ‘hang out’ and I’m like… wow… she reminds me a lot of me. The way she talked and everything, she may as well have been my little sister or jsut a figment of my imagination that made me see the little girl I was.

But anyways. Cops said I could go after the paramedics checked on me and stuff and had me sign papers… the guy that checked on me was like “These are some forms you need to sign saying that you did not want to go to the hospital… and it means that if you DIE, I’m not liable for it.” I actually thought it was kinda funny how he said it… but yeh. Signed it, and went to Kyle’s.

The car runs perfectly fine, its just it looks mad ugly fromt he outside and the drivers side door is a bitch to open and close and it lets out a gigantic pop noise and what not… insurance will pay for it and since it isnt my fault… it won’t go up, right? o_o;;

We went upstairs and laid in bed together and cuddled and stuff and he said he was sorry cuz he felt it was his fault for asking me to come over… when really, it isnt. The directions took me through there no matter what, and besides I wasn’t harmed at all so he shouldn’t feel bad… on the bright side, I finally get my front end fixed and I dont have to pay a thing.

While we laid in bed, he asked me if I told the cops he was my bf… and I told him yes. He said he hadn’t known how to react to it but thought it was cute. Then he said “you looove me” and I told him the same thing he said to me…. “Youre right. I do love you.” he got so quiet afterwards! He said he wasnt blushing but I think he was, and I told him “See, it feels weird to hear it huh!” and he agreed that it did but he didn’t mind it. He said he’s not IN love with me… yet.

For now, its platonic… and I’m okay with that. For now.

I’m actually still at his house right now… it’s 9:08am and he went off to work an hour ago. He said I could stay as long as I wanted and that his parents aren’t home so I don’t have to be scared. So… I think I’ll stick around for a bit and I’ll call my Dad later to tell him what happened. I was supposed to go with Mom to look at this house she might be getting around 5 but… I don’t want to drive my car anywhere if it looks like this… I wonder how long it’ll take to get it fixed…