[197] Smile~

Yesterday I finally got my ass in gear and finished my application and brought it to Metropark. I gave it to the Manager and she was really nice. Asked me questions right there and noticed I worked at Jasmin Sola. She said she worked there as well. She asked me how it was and I told her it was one of my best experiences in my life cuz I loved everyone that worked there, and that once I was off the clock I’d still stick around an extra 2 hours or so for fun and help out. It’s true too~ I loved working there. She told me there’s an open interview on Friday at 12:30 and she put my name down for it. So hopefully that goes well and I get hired…

After that I came home and talked to Kyle. He was helping Mike move into his new apartment with Everett. I wanted to go to the dealership yesterday but it got kind of late, so instead we’re going today once Kyle finished up some yard work at home.

When he got home yesterday though he seemed rather down. He said he wanted to do something but he didnt know what, and he didnt really want to see anybody. He started getting depressed cuz of certain circumstances (details are not for me to discuss, so don’t ask), and he felt that if he hung out with anybody, he’d just be wasting their time. So I decided to take him out! I suggested we go to a book store, since we both like to read a lot and he was up for that idea. Then I realized it was still early and daylight and was nice outside, so I suggested we go to Blue Back Square. He didnt know what it was so I explained it to him and he said it sounded fun so we went.

I’ve never been to BBS during the day. For some reason, the few times I’ve been invited, it’s always been at night and just to go eat. But during the day its fantastic. I feel like I’m in a mini NYC minus the dirty streets and stuff. I was so happy~ and it seemed to cheer Kyle up a lot. We went to Barnes & Noble and he got a book, and we made plans for later on in the night with Mike. 

Kyle got hungry and I suggested we go eat at the Cheesecake Factory; the food is a little expensive but portions are huge. So we went in there and ate and talked and got a few things out of the way. He said he was having fun and felt a lot better. He joked that it had nothing to do with the company… but hey, I felt better being with him finally. <3

After that… we went to my house so we could pick up a bathing suit and i could change cuz our original plans were to go to the bar, then go to Carlos’ house for drinking and a swim. But we didnt go to the bar cuz it was dead, and we didnt go swimming cuz it was cold lol but we did get together with Carlos and D-brown and it was still really fun. Carlos is a riot~ He was rather drunk and messed up a couple words… like Spermicide became ‘Sermispied’… and Melon became ‘gramelon’ hehe

Kyle was rather drunk so I drove him home and slept over and… stuff. Anyways, I really enjoyed spending time with him. I missed him a lot and last night I had the best sleep ever. We cuddled more than usual too. Iuno… just missed him a lot <3

Today we’re supposed to go to the dealership and then sometime tonight we’re going to his friends house… Lauren’s, to be precise. Mike is most likely going. I havent entirely decided if Im gonna go yet… iuno. Maybe.

Oh yeah. Staplenuts texted me this morning at like 11 saying we should make it a point to hang out… which is a bit bothersome cuz I tried hanging out with him last weekend and a random day before that and he said he was up for it but it always fell through and now suddenly here he is… but whatever. What can I do? :/ I guess I can hang out with him. I dont see the harm. 

And… I might be getting a 360… I asked Mom and she said maybe today we could get it. And I really wanna play Soul Calibur 4… hehe

[196] It wasnt that good to begin with

I just found a very old entry in my old LiveJournal (WAY old… I had LJ since I was like…14) from when I first started going out with Luis… everything I miss about him wasn’t good from the very beginning:

Things with me and Luis have been going alright. I guess. Everyday after work I pick him up, and we go to my house. At my house, he either works on his Yu-Gi-Oh decks, or his WoW decks, or he plays WoW on my laptop. Or all of the above. He goes raiding every night, and raids usually last past midnight, so I have to wait to take him home, which is usually around 3am now because he plays, I fall asleep and yeah…he doesnt wake me up and then he falls asleep.

I don’t like it. He knows that. But he tells me “Just try to understand why I do this. Getting upset about it isnt goin to change anything.” so I tell him “Getting upset is all I can do, dont you think I try to understand? You play every day, all day. Ive said it before; Raiding, playing WoW or messing with your decks, isnt spending time with me.” but it never goes anywhere. It just results in me giving up and letting him have his way. So I basically keep my mouth shut about everything and show no signs of discontent.

Yesterday, he said “I’ll look for some jobs for you online, since we dont have the Yankee Flyer and you’re too sick to drive places.” and he did. For 10 minutes. Then he said “okay, break time.” and he opens up WoW…and I ask “How long is this break going to be?” he says “Dont worry about it, Im doing it for you.”…I knew the break was going to last all day. He never went back to searching. Meanwhile, Im laying down, with a ridiculous fever, an unreal headache, and chest pains, and groaning a lot, and slipping in and out of sleep the entire night. But what does he do? He continues to play and says nothing to me. His cat, Onyxia, starts scratching the new funiture and Luis, knowing that I can barely get up, says “I cant get him honey, I have to heal.” meaning, he’s too busy raiding to get up for a second and pick the cat off the couch next to him.I buy us pizza and he says “We’ll go pick up the pizza and then we’ll be back by 6:30 and I’ll get an invite to raid,a nd then we start at 7 so I’ll spend some time with you ok?” but we get the pizza…we get home, he logs in, starts fighting with an alliance character, and then starts looking for Mods… and all I can think of is “I knew it…” although he does apologize, it doesnt really mean anything because he just continues looking at mods. He doesnt even look at me or stop looking for mods when he says hes sorry.

I started crying slightly but of course, he didnt know that. I kept quiet. But its not because he wasn’t giving me attention or anything, its because of what I had said to him, and his reaction; while we ate pizza, I told him I wanted to talk to him. He asked what he did wrong and I said nothing. I asked him to sit up so I could talk to him and he reluctantly did. I said to him “Well…I just wanted to tell you that I really do love you.” and laughs slightly and says “I had to get up for that?” it wasn’t the reaction I thought Id get at all…”Anythin else?” he said. I wanted to say forget it, because he had already hurt my feelings enough. But I told him the rest anyways “I’m sorry for all the trouble Ive caused you.” and he simply brushes it off and says “its fine.” and starts going into WoW again. “I know I get mad for stupid reasons, and I get jealous easily and paranoid, and I act like a child and bitchy,” he laughs a bit and then I just sit there. Then I finally said “I want to be with you for a long time, is that ok?” and he doesnt answer for a while. And then he says “Thats kinda scary. How long is a long time to you? Cuz I know Ive said it toyou before but Im thinking of a little bit into the future and it sounds like youre thinking WAY into the future.”

It was terrible. Everythin I had said was nothin to him and then he basically said that we aren;t goin to last a long time. After that I just laid down and started crying quietly again. I just thought to myself “Youre such an idiot. You know he doesnt love you that much. Now its just a matter of time until he breaks up with you…”

He said I was his favorite girlfriend. He says he loves me. But why does this relationship seem like its more about him than me? We dont go anywhere, because he doesnt like doing anything other than play wow and cards and I dont suggest anything, but I dont because I dont think about it. WHats the point of thinking of somethin to do when you knwo he’s not goin to do anything? I get him food, I drive him anywhere he wants to go, and whenever. I let him play WoW on my laptop all day every day, he watches whatever he wants to even though I hate it and think he picks the most boring shows ever (documentaries and such)…I guess Im his favorite because I do everything for him.

I guess theres no point in getting or staying attatched to him anymore. I’ll hust do what he wants and wait till hes tired of me.

[195] Takin’ charge~

So I didn’t drop off the car today. I was supposed to, but we never really decided on a time… so. Yeah I just didn’t bring it in and they never called so whatever. I’ll call them tomorrow or something.

I havent done much of anything the passed few days what with Kyle so busy and me not speaking to Luis. It’s gotten really lonely and depressing for me :/ but what can I do? Get a job! I filled out an application for MetroPark today and am gonna hand it in tomorrow. I may apply for a job at Victoria’s Secret with lauren too since thats more guaranteed than MetroPark since… lauren is a Manager. I want another job pretty badly just so that I have something to do and I don’t care what time they have me scheduled for… it’s not like I have anyone to hang out with, right?

Another reason why I’m getting this second job, not only to have something to do and obviously make money, but Mom will only sign for my new car if I have another job. Which is fine and reasonable anyways. I called my insurance agent today too to get a couple of quotes. My insurance is pretty high already with it being $1000 every 6 months due to my ‘incident’ with a civic back in… apparently, 07′ and my speeding ticket and my car being brand new and me being under 21. I checked on the car that I wanted (which is going to remain a secret till I get it :] ) and my insurance would be $2k under my own name, and under my Mother’s name it would be $1354 which isn’t bad considering my record. Even my mom was surprised. So with that in mind, I can get my car. Mom and I just have to decide on how we’re going to do this.

What I was thinking was that she buy’s the car and I co-sign and do payments. I won’t be getting any credit but thats alright. I can get the car financed too… I’m very excited. I get a car that suits me, and it’s going to be a kickass car! hehe yayness. However… I still need to practice driving standard… problem is, the only person I know that has a standard car is Luis… -_-

rawr

[194] Vroom vroom

So. Havent updated in a while other than me moving to another journal. Im not going to write too much in here. Some things I just refer not to write about. Hee.

I stopped seeing Luis. He invited me to hang out and give me another lesson on driving manual… but in the middle of it all Igor called him saying he bought a new car and was coming down to show him and he had Barbara, his gf, with him… which meant I had to leave because she is friends with Jessica and Luis doesnt want her asking questions so that Jessica gets upset once she finds out even though according to him she already knows… I got really upset and he said I had no reason to be upset and I was overreacting. So I threw it in his face when he got pissed off at me for already having plans with someone else when he decided to randomly pop up at my house and he ended up following me all the way down to cedar just to fight with me.

I wasn’t overreacting when you compare it to that. So I demanded he take me back to his house so I could get my car and leave and he said he was going to call me back to hang out once Igor left. I was so pissed, so frustrated, I went home and I cleaned lol I cried a lot too and I let slip out why… it was a lot deeper than just being ditched. It was me not being able to have my life back. To be apart of his life and have my old friends back like I did when we dated. Thats when I was the happiest despite all of our disagreements and problems. I wanted that back but because of Jessica, I can’t have that… so I cried a lot because of that fact. Nothing is ever going to be the same again.

So I decided that since it’s not going to be the same and this isnt fair to me to just give up… and be alone, cuz Kyle is mad at me and has been avoiding me like everyday and wont talk to me and Luis just thinks Im a good time and nothing more… so yeah. Thats over. *for now*… You know its true -_-

Yeah. Kyle is pissed at me cuz I slept over Luis’ and didnt tell him and he considers that as me lying… well… hes not my bf anymore so I dont have to tell him everywhere Ive been and everything Ive done. If I decide to leave something out then so be it… its not his business… but yeah. Hes mad cuz of that. He said he’s getting over it or is over it… but hes still avoiding and ignoring me. Okay.

Apparently Jen, Amanda and some other people are planning on going camping again. It was mentioned in front of Ryan and I at the pool party last Sunday… the both of us kind of looked at each other cuz we had no idea that a camping trip was being planned. We were told about it but weren’t invited… and a date has been set but… still no invitation so I dont know whos going, where its at or anything. but whatever O_o not invited I guess.

On a much brighter note. I’m getting a new car once mine gets fixed and I get a second job which wont be hard at all Ive got good references and Lauren offered me a job with her. Hehe. Awesomeeee. What kinda car am I getting? Thats a secret you’re gonna have to wait and see~!

Hehe, thats all I have to say~

[193] Moving

Made a new blog. Not sure if Ill continue with this one. Yeah.

[191] Replay this moment, I dont want to miss it

So Friday I went to the party over at Cedar that Krista and Chrissy were throwing before they moved out to their new apartment at Pebblebrooke. I was a little hesitant on going seeing as Kyle and I hadn’t really spoken or anything and I figured it would be kind of awkward. But that day while I was at work I had called him and told him I missed him and stuff and that I wanted to talk and to see him. So when I got there he was already there and stuff. Within 20 minutes of being there I got hugs and a million His from everyone and it got way too hot in that apartment too fast… so Kyle and i went outside… and started talking.

What it boiled down to was that he was apologizing for overreacting and he doesn’t think that anything can’t be fixed. He also said he doesn’t think Im ready for a relationship and I told him I wasn’t… but I also didn’t want to lose him and stuff. So basically now we’re… what we were before dating. He also agreed with me that the label does change things and stuff. But that night he was getting really tired so I drove him home and stayed over and we did stuff and the next day I went home and hung out with Stacey.

Saturday I didnt go to NY like planned. Kyle had gotten another job… hes got like 3 now… hes a bar-back or something at a restaurant and works from like 9-1am so we couldnt go regardless cuz he didnt want to leave NY at 6. I could have gone to a party that Hanh invited me to but I didnt want to really so I just… stayed home.

on Sunday Ryan called me around 12 to see if I was coming to Amandas. I wasnt sure if Amanda wanted me there but they asked and she said she wasnt mad or anything. So I ventured over there and got there around 1ish. I was hesitant to get in the pool. I made it clear that I didnt want my hair wet, that I didnt feel comfortable in a bathing suit and I cant swim. But it was hot so eventually I got in. The only one… that fucking got my hair wet, was Ryan and I specifically told him not to but he didnt really seem to  care once eh actually did it… and then he did it again. And after that I just gave up. There was no point anymore so I was rather pissed…

He left around 3 something, the rest of us stayed and ate and had a good time. I put in my iPod cuz honestly, I despise country music and no offense to Amanda but I just couldnt stand it anymore. But she got tired of my music rather quickly and asked to put her iPod back in and its her house and her party so I didnt care much. BUt a lot of slow music was playing… which put a damper on the mood since its a party and all.

After a while we didnt know what to do and Jen wanted to play a game. So I somehow got the idea to try and ’surf’ on these little floaty pool thingies… it didnt work out so well but it was fun regardless and Ximena got some funny pictures. We then wanted to play Cranium and Ximena and I were kind of wining but then not cuz Ray and Amanda would catch up and go ahead but then wed get lucky and stuff… but anyways, during this time Diego was picking up his friend Kate. She was pretty cool although I found it rather funny that she couldnt identify Dracula, but its cool. Then a little while after, Joe had shown up and suddenly everyone wanted to finish the game super fast and just get in the pool… it was kind of annoying at first and after a while I just kind of gave up and it seemed like Amanda did too since Jen and Ray and I think Cowdrey as well kept saying they just wanted to get in the pool… but we finished it then went in the pool. However it was only me Ray and Ximena in the pool. Which was a wtf moment since everyone else really wanted to go in but they didnt until like half an hour to an hour later.

I was kind of upset. Amanda was getting upset. We were both like… wth at certain points but eventually I said fuck it and so did she and then Ryan came back and then Joe left without even really conversing with anyone but we ignored it. It was around 10:30-40 that I decided to leave. It was getting late and i wasnt sure what else we were going to do but since my hair was wet and my hair is rather fragile, I wanted to wash out the chlorine and junk as fast as possible. So I bounced and once i got home I hopped in the shower and left in the conditioner, combed it back and just chillaxed.

Luis had come online and IMed me and invited me over. So I went over we hung out and stuff and it was fun. Although later on in the night he told me he didnt stay up later for just anybody. I wasnt sure how to feel about that… and then our convo got a little heated and I ended up saying he was taking advantage of me and my feelings for him. He was really tired though so a lot of what was said didnt click… so eventually I just got up and left in the middle of the conversation. He frustrates and confuses me.

Yesterday I got my uncle and he did my hair around 1ish. Dropped him off at home and I stated drawing and trying out colored pencils. Around 6 or 6:30 I called kyle and told him I was hungry and he said he couldnt take me out cuz he had a firehouse meeting to go to. I totally forgot about it and got a little depressed and felt stupid. So I hang up after saying bye and stuff and sit around for a bit. I call Luis but theres no answer and I think he was at work. So I decided to text him (he doesnt have my number or anything. I have my ways.) that I was hungry and we should get dinner later. He never got back to me though until like 10:30 that night.

He asked me if it was me that texted him and if I had eaten yet and still wanted to go out to eat. I said I was fine, no I hadnt eaten and yes I texted him but he insisted on feeding me. So he told me to come over and I did. For about an hour he played Gunbound while i was there and I played wit Merlot. He was really nice to me though that night, it was a little strange. He changed his clothe in front of me and little did I know that he was naked and I looked away but he said it was okay to look since ‘its mine’. I got so confused when he said that cuz he never says anything like that and he noticed I was confused and gave me a hug and kissed me and laughed and stuff. Whatever… still confused.

So we got food and as we were driving around we noticed there was a vast amount of people, kids actually like 15-18 walking around Bristol. We were both so confused and eventually I recognized one of them to be… Spencer. This… person who worked with me at Fuji’s who is a tranny. Luis asked me if I wanted to say hi to Spencer and stuff but I said no cuz I didnt really know what to say. We hadnt talked in like a year or more…

So anyways, we went home ate and stuff and I laid down and played with Merlot. As Luis played gunbound again he would pet me and play with my hair and every once in a while compliment me on how nice  looked and that I had a beautiful face and stuff. I still dont know why he was acting in such a way…

Around 2 or so he started getting tired and said he was gonna go to bed and asked me if I wanted to sleep over. I agreed and we went to bed and every once in a while he would cuddle me until it got too hot for both of us. Kissed my forehead and everything! It was a little hard to sleep next to him though. He has a tendency to take over the entire bed -_-;; always has.

This morning I woke up at 7 cuz I couldnt sleep and I was flipping out about my phone cuz I couldnt find it. He woke up and laughed and said to come back to bed. Eventually I did and he cuddled me and kissed me on the head and mumbled something… Im not sure what he said but it sounded like ‘I hope you didnt wait too long.” whatever that means. I didnt ask. He fell asleep rather fast.

This time, I fell asleep and he woke up and played more Gb and let me rest. Eventually I ended up in an odd position… I was laying sideways on the bed in like a semi-fetal position. When Luis saw this he laughed and came to hug me and said I was cute and asked if I slept well and stuff. He kissed me and for some reason he was in a really good mood like all morning. I was going to ask why but I didnt. We joked around with each other and everything was alright. No awkward conversations or anything… it was nice.

I left around 11:30 though cuz he had stuff to do, which was fine by me. Although I wanted to spend more time with him but too much of Luis is a bad thing.

I was really depressed yesterday. All day. And it seems Luis was the only ting that could cheer me up and thats a little upsetting. :/

But anyways. My police report is done so I need to pick that up. Im so getting a rental while its getting fixed, if all goes well. I also decided Im tired of wasting away in this house… so Im gonna find a job somewhere. I also want to buy really nice clothes again. I want some designer jeans.. I found some really nice Citizens that I want but theyre like $130… which is rather cheap for Citizens but still. Yeah…

[190] Make it quick, make it painless

So I was messing around on my mac just a few moments ago and I remembered that I have iMovie… which I guess allows you to make videos and adjust audio, color and what not. I don’t really know, I havent messed around with it much cuz I have no idea what Im doing… buuut I remember that my friends and I wanted to make videos and such and since I have a web cam and a video editing program and so does Jen, that it could be entirely possible… so I figured… when I move into the apartment that maybe they could come over sometimes and we could make videos and stuff… maybe I’ll put the mac in the living room instead of in my bedroom. I mean I still have my laptop and it works.. sort of.  So I can keep that in my room and the Mac in the living room so its nice and bright and pretty… and stuff… I dunno.

Id like to make a Vlog but… my room is dark so the video would be rather dark and it would make me look horrible… so thats on hold. But apparently you can upload your videos onto here, so a Vlog is totally possible. I dont want to make a fool of myself though but… whatever. I don’t even know what I’d talk about really. I mean theres not really much interesting in my life and I could save myself the embarrassment and just write everything. But sometimes writing just isnt as fun as parading around in a video! Although if I were to make a video, maybe ppl would stop assuming and jumping to conclusions as to the ‘tone’ of the entry cuz for some reason people tend to think they can read the persons emotions through words that they type, and dont have to see their expression or how they say it. Which is retarded really, I mean how can you assume how I feel or the tone of voice of a blog? Thats what gets people in trouble and makes them look like an idiot and it blows things out of proportion cuz theyre overreacting.

Children on the internet should not be allowed. Problems occur.

But anyways. I have work today. And Im still kind of depressed. Im supposed to go to a party in Cedar and I’m not sure if I’m gonna go. Last night I almost called Kyle to ask him if he could come over or I could come over after he saw the Dark Knight but Im pretty sure that if he hasnt spoken to me, he doesnt want to talk to me so I didnt do it cuz I didnt want to get rejected or anything. That and I also didn’t want to seem weak and girly and all that nonsense by asking him if I could see him and whatever. I did however go for a drive last night for about an hour and a half. It didnt change much but it was nice to get out of the house seeing as I don’t really have any friends apparently. 

Yeah. I’m gonna go and try to throw up. My stomach doesnt feel good.

Also, ive fallen in love with this Paramore song I finally got to download. Ive been trying to find the actual demo song and not the live performance and I got it last night and have been listening to it non stop. Its called “Rewind” have fun~