[209] You better learn

So Luis IMed me today. THis was the first conversation:

AIM IM with L337T3chn0G33k8/27/08 8:41 PM
L337T3chn0G33kcontessa
Contessa RiveraWhat
L337T3chn0G33khi
L337T3chn0G33ki just wanted to see how you were
Contessa RiveraWhy
L337T3chn0G33ki worry about you
Contessa RiveraIm sure you do.
L337T3chn0G33ki was listening to flyleaf and it made me think of you
Contessa RiveraThats a little odd.
L337T3chn0G33kyea
L337T3chn0G33kwell..i have the whole album..
L337T3chn0G33ki was thiking about burning it for you
L337T3chn0G33kbut…i wasnt sure if i should..
Contessa RiveraThats even weirder. You dont seem liek the type to like flyleaf.
L337T3chn0G33kidk
L337T3chn0G33kwell…
Contessa RiveraWhat are you doing the 4th 5th or 6th
L337T3chn0G33kidk
L337T3chn0G33ki quit my job
L337T3chn0G33kso nothing except looking for work
Contessa RiveraWell. When Mom comes back from Aruba, shes co-signing my car and the same day Im taking it home.
L337T3chn0G33kahh
L337T3chn0G33kill hepl you
L337T3chn0G33khelp*
L337T3chn0G33kim fixing my car
Contessa RiveraI got my tattoo.
L337T3chn0G33kbut i dont have any money for the clutch..
L337T3chn0G33knice
L337T3chn0G33ki cant drive it till i fix it
Contessa Riverahow much?
L337T3chn0G33kif i bring to the dealership its going to be 1k-2k
L337T3chn0G33ki can buy the parts really cheap myself..but, not many people will want to use my parts
L337T3chn0G33kso idk what to do
L337T3chn0G33ki dont even have that kinda money
L337T3chn0G33kespecially since i quit
Contessa RiveraThis is true.
L337T3chn0G33kalright
L337T3chn0G33kwell
L337T3chn0G33kill talk to you later
L337T3chn0G33ki dont want to make you or jess mad..
L337T3chn0G33ki just wanted to say hi
Contessa Riverayoure lucky shes still even with you

So I told Jessica. Not because i was trying to get him in trouble, but because I figured she deserved to know. She knows I told Luis not to speak to me anymore. She heard me say it right in front of her. If she’s going to stay with him, I dont want him keeping secrets from her, especially when I’m the secret. So I messeged her on facebook and told her everything. She messaged back thanking me for letting her know and she even sent me a Friend Request on there and I accepted it. Minutes later Luis IMed me again. I blocked his first sn, so he messaged me on his second sn which looks exactly the same. I uploaded the conversation. I would just copy + paste but its a lot longer. Lets see him being a Douchey McDouche!

http://www.fileden.com/files/2008/3/19/1824619/Luis3.doc

So after that I messaged her again. I had apologized for bugging her again and that I had no intention of startign any issues and that I understand why she wouldnt want luis helping me and stuff but that I really meant no harm whatsoever and I told her some of the things he said to me (calling me a bitch, blaming me for the dent he has on his car. He actually had the nerve to say that she suggested it was ME that did it.) She responded and said that the problem wasnt me and it was indeed him because he promised her and she cant be friends with someone that cant keep their promises and that Im not a bitch and she thinks i’m nice. 

Now, the Promise thing, I dont think she minds that Luis talks to me or tries to be friends with me. I think its the principle of it all. He PROMISED he wouldnt talk to me until things blew over and it may be possible for us to be friends. He waited..what 2 weeks? He broke the promise. How can you trust someone that breaks a promise as easy as THAT one? And look at how he talks to me, it shouldnt be that hard, right?

So as Ive said before, I dont hate Jessica. I actually like her a lot. We’re a lot alike in so many ways that its almost creepy. I would love to be friends with her. But he’s gotta be out of our lives just like he is for me and Lauren.

And speaking of which, he said I was doing the same thing I did with lauren… by becoming friends with Jessica. First off, Lauren came to me and she waned to be friends with me SINCE High School but we couldnt be because of HIM. So If anything, I did absolutely nothing. He’s the one putting the pieces in place. 

I was rather livid. I cried the first time he messaged me because he made it clear that Jessica stayed with him. It bothers me still of course, and at the same time Im worried about her. I dont want her to go through what I did… Luis is a scumbag. I know him quite well. I even have dreams of warning her about him. But what can I do? She has feelings for him, and he apparently “loves” her, if he even knows how to truly love someone.

Another thing that bugged me is that he made it seem like I would make up stories to Jessica because she’ll believe me. Why would I have to make up stories? I dont rely on lies to get me through the day and save my ass and get things the way I want them to be. I’m not Luis. I rely on the truth, and honesty and thats how I live my life. He should learn from that. Asshole -_-

I’m hungry. And Im so tired of Luis. Like really, I dont even care that he doesnt “love” “like” “attracted” to me anymore. Im over it. I dont WANT him. I miss him, and I have an attachment to him, but I dont WANT him. Hes awful and I dont need that kind of pain or stress in my life. I deserve way better. Nobody deserves to be with Luis. I wouldnt wish it on my most hated of enemies.

[208] Ink it up!

I just got back from Wildside tattoo! And I got mine done~! It’s so pretty and I love it to death and I already have 3 other ideas for tattoos. And I already have another appointment on September 3rd or 4th… so I can have another tattoo soon haha this is s great.

So, I heard from a lot of sources that getting a tattoo on the wrist, hurts like a bitch, and that its a bad idea to get as your first tattoo because it hurts so much and what not… but honestly, it didnt hurt at all. For me anyways. I felt little to nothing when Rob worked on me. Sometimes it even tickled and the slight numbing feeling the vibration of the needle itself gave was nice. Maybe I’m just a weirdo and I’m one of those people that enjoys getting tattoos because of the pain. O_o; But yeah it was nice and didnt hurt.

I just washed it and put antibacterial ointment on it. It’s a little tender right now and I like touching it cuz its smooth and bumpy.. lol but I cant! Anyways, I keep staring at it and it’s so.. surreal. It’s like… I have it, and I’ve wanted one for so long, but it seems like I’m just dreaming. like it’s going to go away soon but it’s not. Its permanent! <3 love it.

So as you can clearly see, I ended up not going to Aruba. I decided I’m going to go with Mike and a group of people later on. I think it would be better that way so I’m with people I have fun with and my age. Mom agreed to it already and she said she could get us a deal and stuff on hotels~

I applied at Vicky’s the other day and I’m sure Lauren was really happy about that. They pretty much were already talking like I worked there too so it was cool. I also bought a bra to replace the one Mike lost…so he now owes me $45 lol I thought it was cheaper but all of their bras cost that much… it was cheaper when I first bought it because I had a gift card that Diego gave me…like 4 years ago lol

So yeah… I gotta buy Nightmare Before Christmas on dvd… couldnt find it yesterday. Best Buy has the worst setup in their store -_-; SO I’ll just… go to Wal-mart or something.

Hm… Thats all there is to update on I think. Oh and… here:

 

[207] Its a go or no?

I just got my car back today and it’s a little strange. I’m so used to seeing it with a busted front end that seeing it look like its brand new… is well, just odd. But it makes me really happy, its pretty again <3 and I actually started thinking that once I get the Acura, I’m going to is it, almost to the point where I don’t want to give it up. But I’m going to. That car has a lot of memories that I need to detach and forget.

I won’t be able to get the car yet cuz Mom is going away and I need her to co-sign but I talked to Bill and he said that we’d do it all in one day and the day I get it co-signed is the day I can take the car home… so thats awesome news. The PROBLEM is that I still..am not that great at driving standard and I still need someone to help me get the car home… and the problem is the only person I know that drives standard is Luis. I dont want his help. I dont want to see him. I dont want to even hear his voice. So… I’m gonna have to either suck it up and stall a million times on the way home… or suck it up and call him then get rid of him asap. What I was thinking was that I could have him drive the car to my hosue and have Jessica pick him up at mine if his car is still in craptastic mode… but I’m not sure how she would feel about that, I don’t even know if he will still help me and I’m super nervous about talking to either one of them still… so I dunno.

Mom is leaving to Aruba tomorrow. I have a ticket, I can go. But… I’m not sure I want to. I need this to get away, but I missed work last weekend, I’m applying at Vicky’s… and I dunno. I’m gonna be lonely going down there without a friend. I mean my Mom is a riot and so much fun but it’s just not the same if I don’t have a friend there and it’s not like I’ll meet many people there since classes have started for some and everything. So It’s like.. I dunno. I want to go, I really do, but I feel that… I shouldnt cuz I dont deserve it really? And I’m kinda scared. I’m not sure what Im afraid of.. and I don’t know whats holding me back. But I really need to make a decision fast.

Goddammit. I dont know. Someone decide for me.

[206] Runaway and save your life

I’m starting to detest sleeping. All these nightmares of Luis are just destroying me more and more. If I can’t escape him even when I’m asleep then what the hell is the point? I don’t feel like putting down every detail of the dream but as you can probably guess they all end the same: He leaves me for Jessica and if isn’t not Jessica it’s another girl but 98% of the time its her.

I’ve been playing WoW… obviously. I met a couple of girls from there and they’re really cool (I think I mentioned this already right?) but yeah we made a Guild and it’s just going to be girls that play WoW. I’m gonna be the guild leader once one of the other girls sets it up since she has way more gold. For some reason She wanted me to be GM… I’m in charge of making the guild tabard and I have yet to decide if I want to make a website as well. We’re really excited and although I don’t get along with girls very well, if they’re gamers it’s a lot easier… Jen is gonna be in the guild too so thats something to look forward to as well.

On Friday I have to get up crazy early to go to Norwalk with my Mom and Marlyn or however she spells her name. She’s getting a passport for when they go to Aruba… Mom said I could get a passport and receive it in  just a couple days and that I could go to Aruba with them too. They’re going to a wedding of a friend that lives down there whom hooks us up with hotels all the time. So yeah… although I’m not swamped with work or anything, I’m dying emotionally so I need a vacation to get away from everything. Unfortunately once again I am running away from the issue in hopes that once I come back everything will be better… but this time it’s different. He’s not going to be calling me and leaving me a million messages while I’m gone or anything… so… yeah.

Mom also suggested that if I don’t come to aruba now that I could go to aruba later on whenever I wanted to with a friend and she’d pay for the hotel and everything… it’s a nice idea but who would I go to aruba with anyways? It used to be a plan for me and Luis… he said he’d go with me and everything but hell, he’s said a lot of things to me.

They’re going to aruba on the 26th. Its rather short notice for me and I’ll have to move some things around… my tattoo appointment is the 27th and it’s also Chrissy’s birthday. Unfortunately since I won’t be around for her I’ll have to get back to her once I return. If I can find something, i’ll buy her something in aruba.

Lets see… I also have to pick up my car on friday, i its fixed. Supposedly it cost $3400 to get it fixed. thankfully I don’t have to pay any of that. Although it’s not very cheap, it means that it was mostly exterior damage… at least I think it’s just exterior issues… I’m also hoping it was just that. Once that’s all over and done with I can get set on getting the Acura.

And then after that I’m going to work… so it’s going to be a rather busy day. Kyle has work and he wants me to sleep over sometime this week before I go but really I’m getting to that point again where I don’t really want to see him that fricken often. It’s getting annoying… and I’m not in the mood to be affectionate with anyone or sleep with anyone be it involving sex or literally just sleeping… just not comfortable.  He asked me (after I asked him) if he was going to miss me and I said that I didnt know and he got rather upset because he didn’t seem that important to me. I’m like seriously what the hell? He should know by now that I’m not that kind of person, he knows WHY I’m going away and he’s going to pull that bullshit on me? It’s not like we’re married or going out… get off my nuts. I’m not the type of person to start “missing” someone just cuz Ive gone on vacation for a week or so. I don’t just start to miss people like that. The only person I really miss is… well everyone know. And Kyle is not at the same level as him. I’m not sure any guy will be, sadly.

hm… I’ve come to realize how much I despise getting picked up to go places. I hate that I can’t just drive myself somewhere and being dependent on someone else… for anything actually. =_= I really hope I get my car back friday.

Hm… what else to write about… Oh. I think I’ve decided to register for classes next semester. I’m going to be away this semester and I think I’d much rather just work my ass off for a few months. I mean I love classes and stuff but right now… eh. I hate tunxis. But while I’m not attending there I’ll just study something on the side. Kyle suggested I sit in on some of his classes like Sociology. I LOVE Sociology but I’m not even sure how I would possibly sit in one of his classes at CCSU if I dont even go there lol he said the lecture rooms are huge s I’d never really get caught buuut I don’t think I want to take those chances.

I dunno what else to write. This entry seems kind of… pointless =_=; I dunno. w/e

Oh yeah! The House Bunny comes out on Friday. I actually wanna see it… but I don’t think anyone I know wants to see it…

[205] In dreams I die

I’m in a weird state right now. I had really strange dreams and… I dunno. Well I guess they aren’t really strange, but they hurt and I don’t know what to think of them. It’s just like ‘Wow thanks, I wasn’t having a hard enough time dealing with this when I’m awake but here you are bothering me when I’m asleep too.”

The first dream… I had twins. They were Luis’. They were beautiful and I loved them to death. He was there, but not for long. He disappeared and… so did my babies…

The second dream, we were leaving somewhere and we just so happened to be together. It was fine… we got along kind of. We never fought, but he just seemed weird. By the end of the dream we were in an apartment together and Jessica called him. After they were finished talking I picked up the phone and talked her her too. I asked her if she was still with Luis and she said yes. I asked her why and she got a little upset and asked why it mattered and what the problem was. I asked why she could be with someone that cheated on her and lied to her for an entire year about their ex… I told her I just didn’t want her to get hurt like I did. I’m not sure if she said anything in return. Luis was up and leaving again. I went to follow him but he started yelling at me that I was worthless and I wasn’t a good person and that I never let him have time to himself and I’m always following him. He said a lot more but it hurt a lot so iI had zoned out… and eventually just said “Okay. Bye” and I just walked away… but then he tried to stop me just so he could yell at me more… I woke up once he grabbed me…

I really can’t escape him. And all the horrible things he’s said to me and about me, they’re not true but I believe theyre true simply because he’s the one saying it. It’s always been like that and he knows what he says is important to me so… yeah…

I feel weird. I cant even begin to explain, other than… it hurts still. And it doesn’t seem to be getting any easier.

[204] heh, say what now?

So you DO read my blog and you DO know that I had no idea what was going on about the camping and still you went without telling me details and now you’re upset at me for speaking my mind! Funny funny but guess what~ I’m not the only one upset at you guys about it.

I dunno if you guys read comments but I did comment back. But i’ll just write it here instead.

Jen: dude, i asked you at amandas bonfire like 3 times if you were going to come and that it was going to be friday or saturday. it ended up just being me, joe, amanda, and ray

What bonfire are you talking about? The last bonfire you didn’t speak once. The only one I remember before that is the pool party honestly and at that point, it was merely mentioned in front of Ryan and I. There wasn’t an invitation extended to the both of us until we were both like “Wtf are they talking about?” and after that it wasn’t really an invitation, it was more like “Well since you know about it I guess you can come if you want to.” and I’m not being overdramatic, I’m not the only one that feels this way.

We talked about it online a couple times and you kept complaining that you couldn’t find a place, reservations were taken, you weren’t sure if anybody was going to go, David didn’t want to go without a date and that people might not be able to get it off and you said so yourself you didn’t think it was going to happen. Thats the last I heard of from you.

At David’s you asked me to go, yes, but only because David might not go. I told you I would go.

Amanda: we did invite you contessa, i know i told you a couple times about it. but you never said yes or no so we figured you didn’t want to come

As Ive stated before in this blog lots of times before already, it didnt seem like a real invitation it was more because you all felt you had to invite Ryan and I and I know full well you don’t like inviting me or just one of us if Ryan isn’t there cuz you’re under the impression that the both of us will only hang out with the other one there. How you came to that conclusion I dont know, but it isn’t true. Anyways, you came to me once online and asked me if Jen had talked to me about camping yet. I said no she hasn’t told me anything about it. And I did say Yes to Jen the night we were at Cowdrey’s and I was ogling Tyler all night.

I dont know how many times i need to repeat myself. This better be the last fricken time on this topic really. I don’t care anymore cuz it already happened and you can’t change it now. I just don’t want the both of you saying you did this and that… and I didnt do this in that when in fact I did, and you didnt and everything. Thats all. A few of us were ignored in the process of these plans and you say you did invite, you ssaid you did tell us details but then why would some of us be upset and NOT have been there for the trip? Obviously something went wrong, thats all Im saying. It was disorganized and didnt have a good execution…

Anyways. I supposeeeee thats all.

[203] Will you fix what’s broken?

There are a couple techno songs I have that I just discovered the original versions to. Theyre by Plumb and apparently she sings about really serious stuff like cutting yourself in order to cope with things, and sexual abuse. When I heard the songs I always felt like I could relate and it hit close to home every time I listened to them. But once you hear the original versions it’s so much more powerful. These are like… my theme songs on so many levels. Below are the songs that mean the most to me for download and lyrics.

Plumb – Damaged

Dreaming comes so easily
Cause it’s all that I’ve known
True love is a fairytale
I’m damaged, so how would I know?

I’m scared and I’m alone
I’m shamed and I need for you to know

I didn’t say all the things that I wanted to say 
And you can’t take back what you’ve taken away
Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
I didn’t say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can’t take back what you’ve taken away
Cause I feel you, I feel you near me